Half Way

Today I reached my half way mark through treatments.  My treatment plan is 6 weeks long and today I completed my third week. This feels like a big accomplishment!  I have 2 more chemo treatments, 13 external radiation treatments, and 3 internal radiation treatments.  So it's still a lot but I have 3 chemos and 12 radiations behind me.  It all feels a bit easier now that I know what to expect.  I have my routine figured out and know my way around Cancer Care like it's my second home.  I've become a familiar face to everyone who needs to know me at the hospital.  And I think I've gotten better at being okay with laying around and not doing much when I'm at home.  I guess you could say I've adapted to this new life, but believe me it's temporary!  I can't wait to feel healthy again.  I think my family has adapted as well.  The girls enjoy watching movies with me in the evenings, and are getting better at playing quietly while I nap.  Darryl has reorganized every corner of our house because he's been stuck at home with nothing to do while I'm resting.  This of course will change next week when he will also be resting.  So far, Jan. 2 is still surgery date. Darryl has had to go off all meds as of Christmas Day in preparation for surgery.  So far, he's felt pretty good.  We're hoping for 6 more good days for him.

We also got through "our worst Christmas ever".  This is what the doctors told us in November, "You will more then likely have the worst Christmas you've ever had."  And yes it was hard in many ways, but it was also special in many ways.  We spent a lot of it at home.  On Christmas Eve, I had chemo/radiation and thought I would be really sick.  But I felt great all evening.  We spent the evening visiting with friends and celebrating with our girls.   Giving the girls their gifts felt extra special this year.  They loved what we got them and were so appreciative.  On Christmas Day, Darryl's family came to our home to celebrate.  We enjoyed good food, games, gifts, and each other's company.  Some of us took naps during the day, but we were together.  On Boxing Day, my family came to our home for more good food, gifts, and games.  No one was in the hospital; we were all together.  So yes we stayed home and I felt tired and sick, but I was surrounded by all the things that mean the most to me.  Our youngest daughter shared with me as I tucked her into bed, "This is the best Christmas ever because we are focused on God and each other more then gifts because of your cancer."  This brought instant tears to my eyes.  And I have thought so much about it since she said it.  She is right; our family is experiencing God in a new way this year.  We are learning to trust him with every detail in our life.  We are seeing God provide for our family through so many different people around us.  We are learning to receive His supernatural peace that is helping us sleep and cope each day.  God is real.  He is fighting cancer in my body and preparing Darryl's for surgery.  He is helping our girls be okay with having sick parents and has brought key people around them to love them.  Some of you who are reading this may not even realize how God is using you to bless us.   So yes it was a difficult Christmas, but it was also a special Christmas.  It is one we will never forget.

Treatment Talk

Over the past few weeks I've had the opportunity to talk to various people, and I've discovered my conversational skills are quite limited.  My brain often doesn't work properly and my words come out mixed up because of the meds I'm on.  Also I find my end of the conversation is limited by my lack of life experience right now.  It feels like my life is all about resting, going to the hospital, and treatments.  So I often end up talking about my treatments.  What is interesting to me is that people want to know what's it really like.  I've come to realize the "cancer care world" exists, but many of us are unaware of what happens there.  So here is what my treatments are really like:

Radiation:  I go to floor 0 (the basement).   My radiation takes place off the South Waiting Room.  I arrive every morning with a FULL bladder.  My team (consisting of 4 members) is usually running on time.  They greet me by my first name.  Check with how I'm feeling as we walk down the hall.  I stop at the monitor room to verify it's my picture, give my birthdate and go into my room.  I lay on a narrow bed that is raised about 4.5 feet up.  My radiation techs line up my tattoos with laser beams coming out of the walls.  They use a thin sheet that is under me to pull and adjust my body to be perfectly lined up.  Then they leave me alone in the room and go to the monitoring room.  They continue to adjust the bed from the monitoring room.  Then the radiation machine starts.  It's like a huge camera that travels 360 degrees around me.  It shoots radiation into me from underneath, on top and both sides.  I know it's shooting radiation based on the sound it makes.  I don't see or feel anything.  This whole process takes about 7 minutes.  Then my team comes in and helps me off the table and I'm done.  Sometimes I see a nurse after if I'm having any side effects.  My team is really great about staying on top of my side effects and guiding me through them.

Chemotherarpy:  takes place of floor 3.  It's actually a fairly pleasant experience receiving it.  It's in a beautiful room with an atrium in the middle, so there's lots of sunlight and lots of plants all over.  There are little "rooms" or nooks with 4-6 reclining chairs in them.  Each chair has a number.  I'm always in 12 or 13.  I am always greeted with a smile and welcomed to my "throne".  The staff is amazing.  They make their patients feel like first class guests.  Upon arrival I'm usually asked if I want anything to eat or drink by one of the volunteers walking around greeting people.  Then my nurses wrap my arm in a hot wet towel for about 20 minutes.  Then my IV is put in (last week my veins did not cooperate and it took over an hour to get this done - hopefully this week is better).  They always start my IV with saline to make sure everything is working, and I'm comfortable.  I'm given my cocktail which consists of a cup full of pills.  I take 1 big pill at home an hour before and 5 in my cocktail.  Then my Chemo bag is brought out to me. I read the label to make sure it's mine. Then in it goes.  So far I have not needed a blood transfusion, so it takes about and hour and a half for me to complete my chemo.  This is quick.  Most people are in the chemo room for 3-5 hours.   The chemo does not hurt going in.  When I stand up I feel like my whole body is floating.  It is a very distinct sensation.  I also change appearance....I look sick.  On the ride home, I become really pale and my eyes look sunk in.  But thanks to the drugs I feel a lot better then I look.
Then I take large doses of anti-nausea drugs for 2 days.  My head feels like it's full of cotton during these days.  My Dr told me not to even try reading anything during these days because my attention span cannot handle it.

On days when I have just radiation, I have a loving group of friends who take turns driving me.  They wait outside for me in the loading zone and drive me home.  I'm usually in the hospital for 20 minutes.  I'm so thankful for these friends.  I get driven in a warm vehicle and can sleep on the way home.

Tomorrow I start round 3.  I have chemo and radiation.  So tonight I am praying for a good night sleep, so my body is ready for tomorrow.  I also am hopeful that I won't be too sick to celebrate Christmas.  I hope that God will bless our family with a good Christmas despite low energy and drugs.  I hope I will have the strength to enjoy my family and be a part of the celebrations.   I am learning to enjoy the present and not wish it away.  I

Merry Christmas!

New Meds

I'm happy to report my new meds seem to be a better match for me!  I've felt "good" considering all the medication I'm on, and most importantly I've experienced only slight queasiness in my stomach a few times this week.  It helps to face the next 3 weeks (of chemo), knowing my nausea is somewhat under control. And being able to eat helps with energy.  I've also been sleeping better.  So overall, things are much better then last week. I am fatigued all the time, and my radiation team has warned that it's time to "rest as much as I can".  Radiation is exhausting....who knew some invisible beam going into me could be so demanding on my body. (Hopefully this means my treatments are working well.)  Today I was making French Toast for the girls and had to sit down between flips because I was so tired.  I feel weak all the time.  I feel like I've run a marathon after going up and down the stairs!  You know that shaky muscle feeling.  It's crazy.  So I lay around a lot and am catered to.  It's great and frustrating all at the same time. I appreciate my family for taking such good care of me, but I wish I was taking care of them instead.  Today has been a good start to Christmas holidays:  we slept in until 9 am, had a big brunch, watched TV, did a few jobs around the house.  Tonight Darryl's sister will come over to play some games and hang out, maybe watch a movie.  I'll lie around for most of it and be a part of as much as I can.  I'm learning to be happy to be a part of as much as I can instead of feeling sorry for myself for not being able to do everything I would like to.  I need to focus on all the ways God is blessing my life right now:  with peace, with family, with friends, with gifts of generosity, with all my needs being met, and so much more.  We are so happy that our families are willing to celebrate Christmas at our home this year.  This will allow me to rest when I need to and join in the Christmas cheer when I can.

Being Real

I haven't been up to writing much lately for a lot of reasons.  First, I'm always tired and the thought of walking all the way downstairs to sit on a computer chair and hold my head up while I type is exhausting.  So my thoughtful husband solved that problem by getting me a laptop to use for the next few weeks.  Now I can stay in bed and get some ideas down.  Second, it's been really hard adjusting to this "new life".  I've been sad, really sad and feeling completely overwhelmed and feeling like quitting.  For a few days, I completely shut out the world and everyone in it.  I stayed in bed for close to 48 hours wishing my life away.  My girls would come into my room every few hours to give me an update.  Darryl would check in and ask if I needed anything.  Then they let me be.  Maybe they knew I had to work through the muck....it's like grieving.  I am grieving.  I'm missing my old life.  I'm missing feeling good.  I miss being able to accomplish something each day.  I'm already tired of going to the hospital everyday.  I'm tired of being paranoid of side effects from treatments,  I miss looking healthy.  And in a lot of ways I'm saying good bye to the old me.  I will never be Melanie - I will always be Melanie/cancer survivor.  There will be a new piece of me that will worry and wonder if I have cancer in my body in a very real and harsh way.  But after several days of grieving, I knew I had to change my focus because being down low for too long was sucking the joy, hope and love right out of me.  And my family needs me to be filled with these right now.  So I went on the Internet and started searching for hope. (Maybe not the best place to search, but I had my phone beside me in bed and it was handy).  I came across a blog that took my breath away (Dealing with my Diagnosis, by Stephanie):  it is by a young woman dealing with cervical cancer and the post I came across was called, "The Question of  Depression".  I read it and could relate to every single word she said.  The part that really hit me was she talked about letting emotions from our circumstances control our reactions, responses, and direction.  Most importantly these emotions hinder us from feeling, hearing and experiencing God's hope, peace and promises.   She ended her post with the challenge:  "Let's stand above our emotions, and let His promises, His goodness, and His power reign".   It was as if my little phone screen was yelling: "Get out of bed and fight this fight!  You've got a lot to fight for!"  So I did.  First, I got out my Bible and read 1 Peter 4:8-11 "Keep a cool head.  Stay alert.  The devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping.  Keep your guard up.  You're not the only one plunged into these hard times.  It's the same with Christians all over the world.  So keep a firm grip on the faith.  The suffering won't last forever.  It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ - eternal and glorious plans they are! - will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word, yes He does!"  Second, I called my mom.  I admitted that I wasn't doing well (which is hard for me to do!).  She came the next day and has been staying with us since.  Having mom here has helped me feel so much better.  Lastly, I started reading and responding to e-mails and texts.  I made the decision to welcome people back into my life because it's the people around me that are helping me cope.  It's hard for me to let people see me tired and sick and somewhat helpless - this is not who I really am - but it's who I am for now.  A very wise friend told me, "No one is judging you on how you are coping - they just want to help you." She's right.

So I started my second round of treatments on Tuesday with a much better outlook.  And I have been feeling a lot better then last week so far.  My new meds seem to be helping keep my nausea at a minimum so far.  The next 2 days will indicate their true effectiveness, I was most sick on Friday and Saturday last week.  But already this week, I have been able to eat full meals and lots of snacks each day.  In fact, I may have gained some weight this week!!  Yeah!  I'm done day 8 and have 20 left. Going to the hospital is becoming "normal" for me, which is good.  And this week has gone a lot faster then last week.  Next week is a short week for me because of Christmas, so everything feels so much more manageable  and conquerable then it did last week.

One struggle for me right now is getting enough sleep.  I'm exhausted all the time, but often can't fall asleep.  My body is tired, but my mind cannot turn off.  It's so frustrating.  The doctors have said it's the medication I was on.  So the last 2 nights I've slept a little bit better (5-6 hours), and I'm hoping as I use my new meds this will continue to improve.  I really need sleep right now.  

Darryl's surgery has been confirmed for Jan. 2 so far.  It feels like a good date right now.  I will only have 1 more chemo treatment left.  The girls will be settled at home without the worry of school. We'll have family around helping take care of us.  So we're hopeful it will happen that day.

I have lots more to write, but I also need to rest.  So until another day....

First Week of Treatment

Well the first week is done.  It was harder then I expected.  I felt good on Tuesday, but progressively more sick as the week went on.  I struggled with a nausea all week.  So my doctors are going to try some different meds this week.  Praying they will help.  I find it extremely exhausting and emotionally draining to be dealing with "morning sickness" 24/7.  So I'm entering my second week with dread (that it will be the same) and hope (that it will be better).  I continue to be struck by the wide array of emotions I go through on a daily basis.  Frustration that time seems to be moving slowly.  Hope that the cancer is finally being treated.  Discouragement that treatments are tiring.  Fear that my next appointment will not be good news (this won't come until January).  Encouragement that the fight is on, and I can do this.  Excited for my life when this season is over.  Sadness that Christmas will be disappointing for everyone at our house;  I will need to sleep and rest a lot.   I repeat the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" about 100 times a day.  My posts will most likely be more spread out as I find it harder to get to the computer these days. 

Darryl's surgery is currently scheduled for Jan. 2.  However, there is only 1 surgical slot that day, so if something urgent comes in, he will for sure be bumped again.  Then he will probably be bumped to Jan. 14.  We are praying that God will choose the perfect day.  At this point, we have no clue when the "right" time will be. 

I did have a fairly good day today.  I felt better and enjoyed spending the day with the girls: playing spa, watching movies, visiting with mom and dad.  It makes me hopeful that there will be good days amongst the hard ones.  The good days are what help us cope right now. 

Change of Plans Again

We're feeling sad today.  Darryl's surgery has been officially bumped until after Christmas/New Years.   Right now he's scheduled for surgery on Jan. 7.   Jan. 7 is my last chemo day, so we're considering asking to have it bumped back a few weeks (my treatments end mid-January).  We had everything in place for next week, and now it feels like everything is unravelling and out of control again.   It's so hard to have our plans changed when we've had to work so hard to accept them.

My day was a lot harder than yesterday.  I was extremely tired:  came off steroids, emotionally draining,  and just overall not feeling great.  I spent a lot of hours in bed today.

So we are glad that it's time to go to bed.  We look forward to waking up to a new day tomorrow!  "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fails.  They are new every morning."  Lamentations 3:22-23

FIrst One Done

I'm home and feeling great!  I had my first round of chemo and radiation today.  I had kind nurses and everyone at cancer care was so lovely.  Both treatments were relatively painless.  My chemo took 90 minutes through an IV.   I got offered cookies, pizza, juice all sorts of treats during my treatment.   My radiation took about 5-10 minutes.  I arrived early, and they just made room for me. I was only in the radiation clinic for a total of about 15 minutes.   So far I feel good.  I have felt no nausea; mind you they gave me ALOT of anti-nausea drugs, in fact they gave me these steroids that made me feel like superwoman for most of the afternoon.  My mom even treated me to a cheese burger on the way home from the hospital;  I was so hungry.  Now I'm ready to sleep; feeling like I'm coming off my high.  Thank you to everyone's prayers, kind words and messages.  I read through them during chemo to help pass my time.  I do truly feel like God's supernatural powers carried me through my night (I slept amazingly) and through my first day.  I felt His awesome peace surrounding me through all of it.  Only 4 chemos and 28 radiations left; just hoping the treatment is working!

We did get some concerning news today.  There is a good possibility that Darryl's surgery will be bumped to the first or second week of January.  We were supposed to get confirmation this evening, but didn't.  We really hope things can go according to plan, my treatments were planned around/according to his surgery.  He's had a lot of pain this week and especially today.  So the sooner it can happen the better.  We are trying our hardest to trust God that the right day will be chosen, but it's hard to be waiting again. 

Twas the Night Before Treatments

It's been a while since I posted anything.  It's been a long two weeks of waiting, wondering and getting ready for Christmas.  But tomorrow my life becomes a rat race of medical appointments and hospital visits.  I start my chemo and radiation tomorrow.  I feel like the wait has been very long and it's hard to believe it's finally here.  I'm happy to finally do something about the cancer in my body.  Finally I will put something into my body to help fight against it.  At the same time I dread the side effects.  Will I be nauseous?  How tired will I get?  Will my skin burn?  Will I lose my appetite?  I have a very low risk of losing my hair, but how thin will it get?  As a result of so many unknowns in my life, my emotions seem to be on a roller coaster all the time:  one minute scared, the next relieved, the next anxious, the next calm.  I am typically a pretty even-emotional person.  So this has been new for me and everyone around me.  I do know that I feel less anxiety when I'm at the hospital.  When I'm there, cancer treatment is the norm.  Everyone is doing it.  When I'm at home, it feels like everyone's life around me is continuing as usual, but mine.  So cancer treatments feel scary and unknown.   On top of all of my unknowns, come Darryl's unknowns.  We talked to his medical team today.  So far everything is good for Dec. 17.  (We hope he does not get bumped by an emergency).   We wonder how will my treatment schedule coordinate with his surgery and hospital stay.  The one good thing is that we will at least be at the same hospital.  We've had to make arrangements for his surgeon to give me updates on my phone (in the chemo room) on the day of surgery.  Crazy!!!!  I hope all I hear that day is "everything is going smoothly".  So as many people are anxiously waiting for Christmas and counting down the days.  We are anxiously waiting to see how life will unfold with treatments and surgery.  We are counting down the days until Darryl can return home from the hospital and hoping it's before Christmas.  I'm counting down the days until treatments will be done.   Today I came across a verse, "For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37 What a relief, because the next two weeks feel like a mountain in front of us!

We have continued to receive so much support from many friends.  Our ultimate team (We Love Frisbee) put on a family bowling night for us last night.  So many people made it out and your generosity was so appreciated!  My staff/previous staff got together and bought us snow removal for the winter!  So happy to not have to shovel!  We continue to have amazing meals delivered to our door everyday.  Our girls have started making fun plans with various families, so they won't be stuck with sleeping parents for all of their holidays!  We have daily phone calls and e-mails encouraging us.  We have had hundreds of people tell us they are praying for us.  We continue to be thankful and focus on all these good things which continue to give us hope that we will climb this mountain and make it to the other side!