A Week Away

It's hard to believe I'm a week away from surgery.  I've waited for 33 days and only have 7 left since the day I found out surgery was necessary.  I have spent these last 33 days preparing:  spiritually, mentally and physically.

 To prepare spiritually, I have spent time reading my Bible and focusing on the promises laid out for us in it.  A good friend of mine gave me a jar filled with little pieces of paper.  Each paper has a promise from the Bible on it.  This jar has become my strength.  There are many days when I have needed at least a handful to carry on.  When I start to feel afraid or overwhelmed I remind myself of these promises:  He will always be with me, He will always love me, He's got the whole world in His hands, He goes before me, He has written my days for me before they even happen, He created me and knows me, and so many more.  God has shown us that He is preparing the details of June 18.  He's brought amazing medical people onto my team in miraculous ways.  He's brought friends and family around us to pray with us and uphold us just when we needed it.  We feel like He is completely in control of this whole ordeal, which brings peace to me and my family.

To prepare mentally, I've tried to learn as much as I can about ways my life will be different after surgery.  I've done reading and research to help prepare me.  It's been a long process of considering and starting to accept the changes that will happen to my body through this surgery and keeping in mind that these changes are what I want.  These changes mean a longer life to see my girls grow up.   One huge blessing that I have been given through this process is a mentor who went through this exact surgery, under the same circumstances 30 years ago.  She is a ray of hope for me; she lives a completely normal life and has had very few complications.  She encourages me and makes me really feel like I can do this!

I've also spent a lot of hours preparing physically.  I walk for an hour to an hour and a half at least 4 times each week.  I do a core exercise routine every day, and I go for physio 3 times a week.  I consider each bite of food that I take in, and continue to take supplements to help my immune system.  I feel like I'm physically strong and ready.

I am really tired of waiting and very glad that surgery date is almost here.  I go into the hospital on Monday and have 2 days of prep.  We anticipate that I will be in the hospital up to 4 weeks.  The first  week or so will be difficult.  I will be in a lot of pain and on lots of drugs.  I will also have a lot to learn and adapt to.  During this time, we will be restricting visitations to just family.  Both my family and Darryl's family will be taking good care of me during this time.  My brother and his wife have kindly agreed to keep the blog updated while I'm in the hospital.  They will keep all of you  up-to-date on how surgery went and how I am progressing.   E-mails, texts, etc are still welcome and a great way to be in touch.

We again have so many people to thank......I won't start to mention names, but you all know who you are.  We have been given so much to help make this next stage of our journey a bit easier:  parking passes,  hotel nights (for Darryl), meals for Darryl, so many taking care of our girls, family staying overnight with me in the hospital and the list goes on.

It's an interesting place to be....knowing you're life is going to change in a week in fairly big ways.  Either my body will be changed forever or I will wake up to the realization that my cancer is incurable.  Right now I feel optimistic that surgery will be a go.  But this changes from day to day and moment to moment.  The only thing I am sure of consistently is that God has allowed this and will somehow carry me through it.  Knowing this allows for nights of sleep, days of normalcy, joyful moments, and an unexplainable peace.

Disapointing Results

Shortly after writing my last post on Friday, I got the call.  Unfortunately it was not the news we had hoped for.  I do have persistent cancer.  I am scheduled to have surgery on June 18.   We're sad for the life changes that this surgery will include, but we are hopeful that it will result in a cure for me.   If the cancer has traveled to my lymph nodes, surgery will be cancelled and no cure will be possible.  The reality of this affecting my life expectancy is hitting hard, and we're all grieving right now.  By all it's not just me, Darryl and the girls, it's our parents, siblings, and friends.  I meet with my doctors on Tuesday to go over details of my surgery.   There will be lots of doctor's appointments in the next few weeks in preparation for surgery.  However, there will be no more testing.  My lymph nodes will be tested on my surgery day.  So I will be put to sleep and wake up not knowing what happened or didn't happen.  We are holding on to the hope that the surgery will go ahead on June 18, and I will finally be cancer free.  My recovery will be long and difficult, but I know I can do it.   I can do it because the other option is worse.  Please continue to pray for us.  Pray that my lymph nodes will be clear and the surgery will go as expected.  Pray that we will be able to stay strong over the next weeks as we wait for the surgery and stay hopeful.  We continue to hold onto our faith in God.  We believe He could heal me in a heartbeat, and we question why He has chosen not to.  But we also continue to trust that He has the final say, and He "works all things for good to those who love Him".   He has continued to give us peace even though we are living in the midst of a nightmare.  He gives us hope that He will continue to hold us in His hand and give us what we need to face each day of the crazy journey that we are on.  He has provided an incredible network of loving people around us, who are helping us cope.

We may continue to blog on occasion, but there will likely be no new news until after surgery.  Right now my focus has to be on my family and on preparing mentally, physically, and spiritually for this surgery.  So new posts may be scarce.  Thank you for following so far.  We hope we will post good news at the end of June. 

Still Waiting

We are still waiting for my biopsy results.  I know lots of people have been checking the blog to find out what's going on.  Our silence is not bad news, we just don't know anything more yet.  We were supposed to receive them a week ago.  We found out yesterday there was a back log in pathology and my samples only got looked at this week.  They are currently being examined carefully (extra testing is required because it's radiated samples, which makes things more tricky).  We most likely will not get the results until next week sometime.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for us.  We know hundreds of you are praying, and we feel it.  We have this unexplainable peace as a whole family.  We know God is taking care of us and has the final say on these results.  We completely believe that whatever the results are, He will carry us through whatever we need to do next.  Please keep praying!  Pray for healing, calmness and PATIENCE.

I have filled my waiting time with painting....The only good part of having so much waiting time is that I've painted all the trim in my house (only 2 bedrooms left).  I feel really good and am able to be busy, which helps me get through each day.  Today I'm preparing for a garage sale tomorrow.  So my life looks and feels pretty normal, except every time the phone rings my heart starts racing. 

We will post news when we get it. 

Finally some results

I usually sit and post my thoughts on a post without any hesitation, but not today.  I'm struggling with what to say.  Most often my entries are filled with hope, and I always try to write when I'm feeling positive and courageous.  This is not the case today.  Today we are sad and struggling.  But we've chosen to remain honest and truthful with all of our readers.  So here it is..... I finally had my 12 week post treatment check up.  I also got my PET scan results.  I did not get the results I had hoped.  The PET scan shows that there may still be cancer cells in my cervix as well as a spot outside my cervix and possibly in my lymph nodes.  This is very disappointing.  What is even more disappointing is the treatment plan that was laid out for me:  if there is persistent cancer in my cervix, I have to have a surgery that would remove all organs from my pelvis, this would include my bladder, rectum and others.  I do not qualify for a hysterectomy post radiation treatment; it's an all or nothing deal.   If there is cancer in my lymph nodes there is no treatment for a cure, and I will have to go for regular chemo for the rest of my life to achieve some form of stability.  The only hope I was given today is that the PET scan can have false positives.  My oncologist did an internal exam of me today and thought this could possibly be the case for my situation.  He thought my cervix looked and felt cancer free.  So he took several biopsies and will send them away to be tested.  If they come back cancer free, I will wait another month and have another PET scan.  He did tell me that there is a possibility that I am currently cancer free, and the PET scan just picked up cells that had been damaged by radiation.  If the cells show that I continue to have cancer, details for surgery or chemo will be laid out for me at that time.

I know many of you don't believe in God.  I know some of you aren't sure, and others do believe and have been praying for us.  I continue to believe in Him, and I continue to believe He could heal me in an instant if He chose to.  I also believe He has allowed me to walk this cancer journey to transform me in so many ways.  If you have any belief and maybe even if you don't, we're begging for you to pray with us for healing.  Pray that the tests will come back cancer free.  Pray that I can avoid surgery and carry on with my life.  Most importantly,  pray that we (as a family) will have the strength and peace to take each day as it comes and trust in God to take care of us.  He is all knowing, all powerful and He's bigger than all of this.

We did feel an incredible peace today, even among the bad news.  We could feel God holding us and helping us carry on.  Each day will be a challenge in the next few weeks as we wait for results AGAIN!

PET Scan done.....more waiting

Life has been very busy for the past few weeks.  We managed to have a few weekend get aways.  I have also been decorating our oldest daughter's bedroom....painting, printing pictures, putting together furniture etc.  I'm keeping myself as busy as I can.  I'm finding that the waiting to find out if treatments worked has been harder in the past 2 weeks then the previous 9 weeks.  Now I'm down to a week and a bit until I get the big reveal.  Last week I had a PET scan.  They scanned my entire body for any signs of cancer.  It was a long drawn out series of scans....I lay on a narrow hard bed,  inside a tube, with my hands above my head for an hour.  As I lay in the scanner, I couldn't help but be curious as to what the techs were seeing.  It was like all the secrets about the inside of me were being revealed only a few feet away behind a glass window, and I just had to lay there and wait two more weeks to get the results!

I'm feeling really good.  My energy is almost back to normal.  I don't have all my strength back, but I'm close.  So I have to believe that my results will be good.  I find it so hard to believe that I'm not completely healthy because I feel healthier now then I have for at least 8 months.  I do have to admit, I'm really afraid of having to feel sick again.  I know I will probably end up having surgery and going back to a healing state and being hospitalized makes me feel like I'm going back to prison to serve a second sentence.  I have to keep reminding myself the hospital is where I go to get healthy.  I need to focus on all the good that goes on there.  I am also afraid of being told I need more rounds of chemo.  Oh how I hate the side effects of chemo:  not being able to think clearly, nausea, tiredness, restlessness etc.  But I have to remind myself of all I have accomplished already:  5 rounds of chemo, 25 radiation treatments, 3 HDR treatments, and I had them all happening at the same time.  And here I am feeling great.  If I have conquered all of this, I can do anything they throw at me next week.

We have put our life somewhat on hold.  We have no idea what to expect over the next few months and have planned nothing beyond my next doctor's appointment.  I am really looking forward to getting on with life and getting rid of cancer.  This morning (unlike many others lately) I woke up so tired of cancer.   Thankfully  my physio (who is also like a counselor for me) told me to think about all the ways cancer has improved me as a person:  inner strength (I do feel like I can do almost anything), better perspective in all areas of my life, a new/better understanding of who God is and what He can accomplish in me, the confirmation that I married the right person,  an improved appreciation for the simple things in life, a realization of great supportive family and friends,  and the list goes on.  It's hard to remember these things when I'm on the brink of more treatment.  But today I took the time to make a list.  Now I have something to look back at on the hard days.

I often forget to give updates on Darryl because it seems as if he never had any medical issues.  He's doing so well.  Today he met with his neuro ophthalmologist.  His vision is better than pre-surgery!!  We are so amazed and thankful for this.  He has no double vision at all.  His headaches have become less frequent as well.  He went for almost 3 weeks without having one.  He had one a few days ago, but it wasn't as painful as they used to be.  He's almost completely healed.  We are so incredibly thankful for this.  No more waiting or wondering with him - the best part of all.

The Future is Fiction

I have done lots of reading in the past few months, and I'm sorry that I can't remember where I read this statement: "the future is fiction" because it has dramatically affected my thought process.  It really is profound...and true.  Nothing we plan for, hope for, or prepare for will necessarily happen.  Just like nothing we worry about and stress about will necessarily happen.   Nothing besides the present is for sure.  So how does this affect your present situation?   I have spent so many hours wishing my present state away and hoping for or dreading the future.  So in the past few weeks I've tried really hard to be happy for the moment, to make the most of the moment and to reflect on all the blessings I have in a given moment.   Tomorrow I turn 38 years old.  Birthdays are a time when we think in years....reflecting on this past year, many months have been filled with what I did not expect, was not prepared for, and certainly did not hope for.  It makes me wonder what will happen in this next year of my life?  Wondering is ok, but worrying is not.  I've learned that worrying accomplishes only one thing:  to bring down my spirits.   Worrying does not change an outcome, it does not heal, it does not make me feel better, it does not have a single positive result.   So this year, starting on my birthday, I'm going to anticipate the unexpected and wait for it with a sense of hope and wonder, but not worry.   I also know I will fail and fall into worry many times; however, each time I do I'm going to remind myself:  the future is fiction....I have very little control over it (especially that unexpected bad news).  Then I'm going to give it to God and trust Him with it, so I can enjoy the present more then I ever have before. 

This all comes after a week filled with days of constant worrying.  I had my first follow up doctor's appointment this past Thursday.   I was dreading walking into the hospital, and I was extremely anxious about getting bad news.  On Monday these thoughts of dread and anxiety completely controlled me.  I spent most of my day crying, every song I heard on the radio made me cry, commercials on TV made me cry and everything anyone said to me somehow reminded me that I have cancer and I'm tired of it, so I cried.  On Tuesday I started feeling a bit better....there were less tears but the anxious thoughts were still there.  On Tuesday night, I had some friends get me back on track.  They reminded me I have so much to be thankful for right now:  I'm turning 38, I have amazing friends, I'm loved, I made it through treatments: I'm a conqueror.  Wednesday I reminded myself that I don't control the future and that whatever I found out at my appointment will be what it will be and it will be what God intends. 
I was able to walk in to my appointment on Thursday calm and ready.  Thankfully the news was good, in fact it was great.  My doctor didn't do a formal cancer check (I have to wait for April for that), but he checked me over.  He was thrilled with my recovery so far.  He told me he was very pleased with how well and how quickly I've "bounced back" from treatments.  So all my worry was for nothing.  Darryl and I walked out of the hospital hand in hand and realized it was the first time since I was diagnosed that we got to walk out smiling and feeling good about what we had just heard.  It was a foreign feeling to us, but a great one.  When I got home I realized, I  had wasted 2 days of my life worrying.....I don't want that to happen again.  I know anxious thoughts for my April scan and appointments are just around the corner waiting to attack.  I will try my best to stand up to them and not let them get control of me.  

I have had a lot of amazing birthday celebrations already this week planned by my family, friends, and my students.  All of them made me feel so celebrated.  And I have learned birthdays are worth celebrating....every single one of them, not just the "big ones" because every year is another chance to make your mark.  So hello 38!  I'm looking forward to 39!

Ready or Not Here comes Rehab

So the past 2 weeks have been busy.  I have spent a lot of time and energy getting better and doing things I dreamed of doing when I was sick.  I am officially on a rehab program to help me build strength and stamina.  I walk for 15 minutes each day.  I have several strengthening exercises and stretches that I do each day.  Darryl got me started on all of this, but this week, I decided to go see another physio.  I've decided to let Darryl be my husband, and my physio be my physio.  It was a good decision; I'm a more pleasant patient for someone else.  My new physiotherapist completely understands me (she is a cancer survivor); she gives me just enough to work on, and is so encouraging.  I started seeing a counselor at Cancer Care as well this week.  It's good for me to talk to someone who is distant from my situation. It's good to reflect with her and keep the unknowns of the future in perspective.  I've gone back to drinking my green shakes every morning and can take my time to make nutritional meals.  So I'm pretty busy everyday taking care of myself.  It is paying off.  My energy has improved a lot over the past 2 weeks.  More energy means I can do some of the things I have missed.  First, I visited my classroom this week.  It was so exciting!!!  It felt so good walking into my classroom.  The students were surprised and so happy to see me.  They made me feel like a celebrity.  One of my students said, "I'm so happy to see you, I think I could cry."  This made me want to cry.  I got to talk with my students and read them a story.  It felt so great.  At the same time, it was bitter sweet.  I walked out wishing I could stay, but knowing I'm not ready.  I really can't wait to be back in my classroom full time.

I also got to go on a date with Darryl this week.  We went out for dinner and to the Jets game.  It was wonderful.  Dinner was nice and the Jets game was fun!  It was so great to be us, enjoying each other's company without feeling sick.  And the Jets won!

I've also been doing some writing, which I do love and is an important part of who I am.  I used to do a lot of writing for work.  Now I'm writing about this crazy life we've been living.  I was asked to write a piece for our church website telling what we've been through.  It was good therapy for me.....I cried and typed at the same time.  It's amazing how reflecting is already powerful.  Some days I'm still shocked that we've lived through everything we have in the past few months.  I'm still learning a lot about who I am and what is important to me as I am processing all of this.