The Night of our Lives!

Wow we had such an incredible night last night.  Our fundraiser event surpassed our expectations in so many ways:

There were so many people!  It was so much fun to see so many people we hadn't seen in so long.  It was almost surreal to see so many people from so many different parts of our lives all in the same room.  There were a few times throughout the evening when I just stopped and looked over the sea of people and recognized so many.  We felt so loved and cherished!  We tried our best to make our rounds and at least say hi to as many people as we could.  We wished we could have sat and visited for longer with everyone that was there.  We apologize if you were there and our paths did not cross.

The entertainment was amazing!  All 4 bands were unique and so talented.

The prizes were huge!  As a result, many, many tickets were sold and some very lucky winners went home with lots of treasures.  

The whole night ran incredibly smoothly and was obviously well planned and so organized.

We felt incredibly encouraged by peoples' kinds words, the financial support we were given, and hope that filled the room.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
to everyone who helped plan this event, who worked at it, who performed at it, who attended it, who supported us and who gave prizes.  You made this whole night possible, and it truly was an exceptional night.  I wish everyone could feel this loved and this special for one night!

Grade 10 Science

Today was another new experience for me.  I went to speak to a grade 10 class about the realities of having cancer.  The class was learning about cancer, and their teacher wanted them to hear about my experience to "give cancer a face".   When I start telling my story, I can get pretty passionate and lose track of time.  I talked a really long time....almost 75 minutes.  I mostly focussed on the facts of my journey:  how I was diagnosed, what treatments were really like, what my diet and natural medication plan looks like now and most importantly we talked about HPV and the urgency of having our girls vaccinated.  We are 90% sure my cancer was caused by HPV that was not diagnosed until it became cancer.  Having the vaccination could have saved me from all of this. (If you know someone who has a daughter in grade 6, urge them to learn all they can about the vaccination and the truth about HPV...Cancer Care Manitoba has lots of good information about it.)  Anyway back to today.....I talked a long time, and it was hard to tell if the students were intrigued or bored.  The teacher reassured me after that they were interested in what I had to say, so hopefully she is right.  The class sent me a list of questions that they had before my visit today.  I was impressed with their insight.  A lot of them had questions about how my perspective on life has changed.  I was fascinated that these young kids, in the prime of their lives thought about such things.  I really tried to impress upon them the importance of living for the present and making each day count.  I focused on my physical wellbeing and my mental health.  It wasn't the time or place to get deep into my belief system or the spiritual journey that I've been on, but it was interesting to me how my mind kept going there.  As I drove home, I reflected on how intertwined my physical health, my mental health, and my spiritual health are.  They can't really be shared apart from each other for someone to really understand the whole truth about me.  When I was asked what my coping strategies are today, I said, "my faith, prayer, meditation, relying on friends/family, physio, exercising, keeping stress levels low, keeping life normal etc."  Inside I wanted to scream:  "And I have a miraculous peace inside of me that no one can fathom.  It comes from understanding that God is in control of my life, and He loves me more then I can understand.  So everyday I wake up and thank God for my health and that I'm alive today.  I thank Him that I get to be with my kids and husband today.  I thank Him for all of my friends and family members that are blessing my life.  Many days,  I tell Him I'm scared and need Him to carry me through my scary thoughts.  Then I relax, knowing He will carry me through everything I experience, and He is bigger than anything I will ever face.  And finally I ask Him to show me ways I can give back to this wonderful world He's placed me in, and then I wait for opportunities that He presents before me."  This is how I cope.  This is how I manage to live this life.  I knew the grade 10's probably weren't ready to hear all of that and would think I was a crazy lady.  Maybe some of you aren't ready to hear it either and think I'm crazy, but that's okay.  This is my blog filled with me and my thoughts and I've been real with all of you through this entire journey, so why not today as well?  This is honestly how I start each day now and probably will for the rest of my life.  It's a gift to start each day like this.  It's a blessing in so many ways.

Speaking of blessings, I can't end without sharing how excited I am for this coming Saturday.  Our fundraiser social is coming up!  So many people have put so many endless hours of work into making it happen.  I can't wait to see it all come together.  I can't wait to see so many people from so many different parts of our lives all at the same place having fun together.  I can't wait to hear the bands and  watch the dancers perform.  I know it will be surreal.  Saying thank you for everyone's hard work seems too small, so I'll save that for Saturday night.  Can't wait!  Hope all of you who are coming are also looking forward to it.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year

It's been a long time since I've updated the blog...sorry to those of you who check it frequently.  We've been busy having a very special Christmas.  I felt exceptionally good throughout the holidays, and we spent lots of time celebrating with friends and family.  We stayed up late, played games, laughed, visited and figured out ways to enjoy Christmas food without sugar.  Many have stopped to ask me what my special gifts to the girls were this year....I completely forgot that I wrote about it a while ago and didn't realize that so many were suspiciously waiting to hear about them.  I wrote a book for each of them called, "My Wishes for You".  I filled each book with pictures of me and them and wrote about my 12 top wishes for their lives.  Each wish fills up a page, so it was a lot of writing.  I know it's a gift that they will appreciate even more in the future then they do right now.  They do love them already, and each book has found a special spot to be kept and protected.  I have walked into bedrooms after tucking them in to find them reading their books with a flashlight under the covers.  I hope that one day the pages are worn out from being read so often.  I was able to make a gift for each family member this year:  knitted scarves for my sister-in-laws, personal picture calendars for our parents, a letter for my brother and the hardest of all: a book for Darryl. There was no way of saying what I wanted to Darryl because the words of expression that he deserves don't exist, so I didn't even attempt it.  Instead, I kept it light and made a top 10 book for him.  I listed all sorts of things in it: top ten dinners out, top ten camping trips, top ten vacations etc.  It was a fun way of remembering how blessed we are right now and how blessed we have been for the past 20 years!  These gifts were so fun to give, and a joy to make.  They took tons of time and thinking, but they meant a lot to me and to the ones who received them.  I also received many thoughtful and heart warming gifts from friends and family.  I was so touched by the thought and meaning that each gift represented in my life and relationships.  Aside from gifts, we focused more on why we celebrate Christmas: because Jesus came to earth as a baby to save us.  We enjoyed the presence of loved ones around us.  I savoured each moment as best I could and tried hard to not let my mind wander out of the present.  I tried my best to not jump ahead to wondering what next Christmas would bring and rather returned my mind to being thankful for this year.
I have already felt myself slip into low moments as Christmas has come to an end.  The gifts that I have spent so much time on are now given.  The parties and social events are almost over and life will return to "normal" again, but I still am not sure what my "normal" is.  But I'm more prepared this time.  I'm learning that transition times are extremely hard for me, and I need to brace myself for them....how?  By making plans.  I will join a Bible study group at my church to help encourage my soul, I will continue to go to my Yoga class which helps me feel physically better and stronger,  I may possibly volunteer more in a school setting to keep my mind thinking like a teacher, I will get back to my routine workout regime so my body continues to get stronger, I will continue to discover new recipes that contribute to my health, and I may start writing more and taking on more speaking engagements.  Having a plan helps keep my mind focused on now.  Having purposeful plans helps me feel useful and needed.  Many will set New Year's Resolutions in the next few days.  Mine is to keep defining my new normal and figuring out who I am as I learn to live the life I have been given.  I have learned that pushing problems aside is not the best way to handle them.  Trying to solve every problem that hits me isn't the answer either.  It is better to embrace problems and live through them, so I am transformed into what I was intended to become - I am looking to see what God is telling me through these problems.  I have no idea what "problems" lay ahead this year, but learning to embrace them and accept them is a gift that I am slowly understanding and even appreciating.

Today has been a sad day for me.  One of my dearest cancer friends passed away yesterday.  We were diagnosed with genealogical cancers only 4 months apart.  We had the same doctors and although our treatment plans were very different; we understood each other.  When I was down after finding out my cancer was not curable, she was doing well and was one of the first ones on my doorstep encouraging me to keep fighting.  She started getting worse in August and continued to get more sick.  I'm incredibly sad for her family....she was a beautiful mom and wife.  What an enormous loss for them; a complete tragedy.   I am happy that she is no longer suffering; I know with all of me that she is now in heaven.  Her and I talked about heaven a few times.  I remember one particular conversation when we dreamed together of how wonderful life would be in heaven without cancer and all the consequences that a life with cancer brings.  I know she is now happy, healed, and completely at peace.  Her life is and will continue to be awesome for eternity, but this is almost no consolation for her family.  They want her here to love her and be loved by her.  She will be missed, she will be remembered, she will leave a beautiful legacy, and we will be reunited in eternity.  There is a part of me that wonders why her and not me?  I have no answer to this question, no one does.  But I do know I will think of her everyday for the rest of my life.

Happy New Year......set resolutions that will make your life better and the lives of those around you better.  Cheers!

Contrasting Years

I'm writing this on Dec. 10, 2014.  A year ago today I started chemo and radiation.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, naive, and hopeful.  My stomach turns at the thought of entering the chemo room and having it drip into my veins.  It was a beautiful room filled with caring, loving people.  I had many deep and sincere conversations in that room with the friends who went with me.  But I have no desire to go back.  That first day I went with my mom; I remember feeling like her little girl again who needed taking care of, and of course she was there to take care of me.  I remember my kids coming home from school with fear in their eyes wondering how it had gone.  And I slowly lost the ability to be their mom; the one who could take care of them.  My mom and Darryl's mom had to fill in for many weeks.  However, through it all, I was able to love my kids: hug them, tuck them in, cuddle with them.  My girls always wanted to come with me to the chemo room, but there was a part of me that refused to allow the pictures of that room to be instilled in their minds.  I'm glad I made that choice.  After finishing my first round of chemo; my mom walked me down to the radiation room.  That first radiation experience felt surreal....it still feels like a dream.  I always got a floating feel after chemo, which didn't help.  The "dungeon" felt especially lonely that first day because I was new at it.  It slowly became my routine.  As we walked through Cancer Care on that first day, I remember my mom saying to me, "I think when people look at us, they must guess that I'm the one with cancer, but it's you".  I spent so many hours at Cancer Care, and it did become a place where you guessed about peoples' stories.  I know that some of the people I met there are now survivors, some have lost their lives, and others are living with it, like me.  Living with it takes on a million different versions.  Today (a year later) I went to school and taught my beautiful grade 3 class.  They are so happy to see me every time I visit.  We told stories about losing our teeth today and laughed at all the different ways those baby teeth fall out.....such a joyful, fun class.  There were no needles to worry about, no rolling veins,  no one looking at me and trying to guess my story.  I came home thinking about how dependent I became a year ago and how I've regained my independence.  I am completely my girls' mom again....I take care of them and love them everyday.  Yesterday my mom came to spend the day with me.  We remembered our day together a year ago.  This year she said, "Somedays I still can't believe you have cancer."  This year we went shopping and hung out as friends, not me depending on her.  This year we laughed and just enjoyed each other's company.  We went to my brother's house for lunch after shopping instead of being assigned to a space at the hospital.  This year on Dec. 10 my kids will come home from school happy, and excited about the upcoming holidays, not wondering how chemo had gone.  Darryl will come home and kiss me and ask, "How was your day" without dread and sadness.   I will walk my dog with my kids as they tell me about their day instead of curling up in bed and wishing it was all over.  This year I went to the pharmacy on my way home from school to buy more meds; I was greeted by the staff with a "Hey Mel"....kind of like Norm at Cheers.  They all know me there.  But these meds don't make me feel sick; they make me feel better.   So this year on Dec. 10, I am thankful, so thankful.  Tears come to me as I think about a year ago and how much easier life is today.   I feel extra lucky that I'm not at the beginning of treatments.  However, I'm sad knowing other families are entering this Christmas Season like I did last year, with dread, fear and sickness.  For those of you who are dreading Christmas or facing sickness.....remember that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus' birth.  He came to earth to save all people.  He came to earth to provide a way for all people to someday enter heaven.  He came to show us that He loves us and wants to carry you through even the hardest year of your lives, just like He did and continues to do with me.


One extra special event happened today; my oldest daughter went on a field trip to the Forks with her choir.  After singing, she got to spend some time browsing the shops.  She found a bracelet called "Long Life".  It's a braided bracelet with 7 different coloured beads woven in.  Instead of buying herself something, she spent her money on me.  It's beautiful; she loves me in such a beautiful way.  She told me as she tied it on my wrist, "You're supposed to make a wish as I tie it on."  I responded, "I'd rather pray than wish"; she agreed.  We prayed for a long life together.

Thankful for Generosity

Our family continues to be blessed on a regular basis with incredible generosity.  People who know us, and some who don't know us, continue to help us in so many ways.  Just this Sunday someone anonymously left a beautiful card and some Christmas shopping money in our mailbox at church. What a huge blessing.   Someone who I barely know called me for coffee this week, just to encourage me and hear the latest on how I'm doing.  I get the kindest e-mails encouraging me to keep fighting and writing because my words matter.  I could go on and on and on.  (By the way I'm not writing this in hopes of more generosity).  I'm writing this to say thank you to everyone for all the beautiful ways you encourage us.  All of it makes a difference for us.  It makes us feel valued.  It makes us feel hopeful.  It makes us want to give back.  I do want to also thank God, who continues to bless us generously as well.  I continue to feel great - I feel like I'm a walking miracle most days lately.  I do not feel like I have cancer, even my mobility has improved significantly in the past few weeks.  He continues to give us peace and reminders that He cares for us. This past year has been incredibly hard, but without our faith it would have been incredibly harder.

We have another huge event that we are immensely thankful for.  Our incredibly generous friends Bill and Dan have offered, or should I say insisted on putting on a fundraiser social/concert in my honour.  The proceeds from this event will be a huge gift in helping me continue with the natural medications that I am currently taking and would like to continue.  My medication plan is big and expensive, so this is a huge gift.  I don't even know half of the work that Bill and Dan have already put into planning this evening.  They purposefully keep me out of the loop because they don't want me to feel guilty.  Several friends from various circles in my life have generously offered to help these gentlemen sell tickets for this fundraiser.  It will be held at The Oak on Jan.17.  Four extremely talented bands will be performing and some fantastic silent auction prizes will be available.  I know that not everyone reading my blog would feel comfortable at this event, and we don't want anyone to feel obligated to come.  In fact, I feel a bit silly writing about this event on my own blog, but it's the least I could do for Bill and Dan who have put so much work into this.  I've attached a poster that they created if any of you would like more information about the evening.  Two types are tickets are available - for those who are able to attend and for those who can't but would like to support.  And for those of you who can make it.....thank you for your generosity.  We are blessed.

What's Your Something?

I shared our story from start to finish with a lovely group of ladies in Morden on Tuesday.  Thank you so much for having me.  I really enjoyed the evening.  I was not nervous at all and was able to talk without really looking at my notes that often.  The words flowed.....I think I've thought through this story so many times, I can recite it in my sleep.  I certainly felt as if God put the words on my lips as they came out.  It was a lovely evening.  What was most lovely about the whole event is that I met so many interesting women who had their own story to tell.  It was such a great reminder that we all have something:  something hard, something sad, something challenging, something devastating.   And we all go through waves of "hard somethings".   Sometimes our "something" is easier than at other times.  Sometimes our joy is so great that it feels like the "somethings" disappear for a while.    I was so blessed by all the women, who are carrying "something" of their own, yet came to encourage me and to thank me for sharing my words with them.  It was so nice to have so many share their hearts with me.  I also had 2 different ladies, representing other organizations, ask me to share at different events in the near future.  This is very exciting for me.  It feels great to encourage and inspire anyone who will listen.  On Tuesday evening, I encouraged the ladies to rise above their "somethings" by fighting for joy, loving big and living in the present.  These are difficult to do when life is hard.  But I think when we do them, life seems easier, fuller, and more meaningful.  On my drive home, I thought about how my presence often makes my friends feel as if the "somethings" in their lives are insignificant in comparison to cancer.   They often feel like they can't talk about their stresses with me anymore.  But every "something" is significant.  It all matters, and all of it, is what shapes us into who we are/become.  How we feel when hard moments hit, shape us.  How we react to our "somethings" transform us.  Every hardship we face changes us and because of this, all of it matters.  I remind myself of this before I'm too quick to pass judgement on someone who is sad, grumpy or short with me.  I wonder what it is that has shaped them into becoming this way.  I also try hard to not let my stress affect my interactions; I often fail at this.  I come across as unfriendly, when really I'm in deep thoughts about life.  Or I appear to be uninterested when I'm constantly consumed with fears about my future.  I think what we are experiencing in life affects our everyday words and actions more then we think.  As you do your Christmas shopping this year, take note of all the unhappy shoppers.....why?  Why are so many unhappy?  What are the "somethings" going on in their lives?  I sometimes try to guess.  I also remind myself of how "normal" I look on the outside and can so easily hide my true thoughts and feelings.  There have been times when I'm in a public setting feeling sad and sorry for myself.  I wonder what people think of me based on first impressions.  I hope most would be surprised to know what is really going on.  I think as we busy ourselves with shopping for the holidays and going to Christmas parties, where we all put on a happy face and appear presentable, it's good to remember that everyone is carrying a "something".  There are thoughts and stresses that often run deep into people souls.  We need to consider this as we interact with others, show kindness, and show gratitude.  In the Bible there is a verse that says:  "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world"  John 16:33.   In other words, God has promised that we will have trouble.  But He will help us through these troubles if we ask Him to.  If you've never asked God to help you through something hard, give it a try.  You may be surprised by the outcome.  What I have found is that He often does not take the something hard away, but He changes my heart and my attitude to see life as He wants me to.  He has also taught me to have joy despite the hardships.  I'm so thankful for joy; it makes life worth living.

My Busy Life

I have been so busy for the past few weeks.  Doing what? you may ask.......

I have taught twice already.  It's been amazing to be back in the classroom.  Within 5 minutes, I felt completely relaxed and everything came back to me.  The students are so enthusiastic about learning about empathy, and of course, they love the baby visits.  Our baby is adorable.  She is only 3 months old, but already a ray of sunshine when she enters the room.  Both times I taught, I left feeling like I was still a staff member, like time had not passed and I still belonged there.  But then I go home and feel so distant from that part of my life.  Teaching feels so long ago.  I miss it and cherish these mornings back at school.  However, there is a part of me that seems to be growing ok with not being in the classroom full-time.  I guess because I'm finding other ways to be useful and challenged.  Everyday I seem to find things to do that are meaningful and important.

One thing I do several times a week is meet with lots of different friends (old and new), often to go for a walk or meet for coffee (or green tea).  I love these one-on-one times.   I'm often blown away with the level of deep conversations I get into with everyone I meet.  I learn a lot from every person I meet and often walk away feeling encouraged, challenged, and inspired.  This has helped me stay intellectually fit.

I've also been busy getting ready for my first speaking engagement.  I will be the guest speaker at a Christmas banquet in my mom's church.  I'm really enjoying preparing for it, and I can't wait to see how it all comes together.  I've been asked to "share my story".  It's a challenge for me to keep my story contained in the amount of time given.  I could probably fill 2 hours, but I promise I won't.  I feel like God has given me lots to share.  Someone recently asked if I get nervous before speaking, and I can honestly say I get excited, but not nervous.  I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  If even a handful of people can learn from me, be inspired by me or challenged by what I have to say, it helps validate what I've been through over the past year.  It gives me the purpose I miss in teaching.  I think I love to teach because I like to make a difference.  So this is my new avenue for making a difference (for now).

Another time filler for me has been planning for Christmas.  I've really challenged myself with this one.  Before I say what I'm about to say, I want to make it clear that I have not given up or given in to cancer.  I plan on living for many years.  However, I have allowed myself to consider, "What if this is my last Christmas?"  Everyone should consider this.  If it is, what gifts do I want to give?  What gift would help people remember me?  What gift could make a difference to the people I'm giving it to?  I have particularly considered this for my daughters.  I have put a lot of thought and hard work into making something for them that I'm pretty sure they will love.  It will help them remember me for as long as they live.  And I hope it will influence them throughout their lives.  That's all I'm saying; I've already said too much.  There are too many of you who read this that see them everyday.  I don't want anyone messing up my surprise!  They have no idea that I made them anything.  This has been challenging and fun for me.  It has also helped me reflect and be so thankful for the life God has blessed me with.

Amongst all of this intellectual business, I continue to work hard at keeping this radiated body working.  I work out for at least an hour everyday doing a variety of different forms of exercise:  pilates, yoga, stretching, core strengthening, balancing, and walking (thanks to Jett).  My movement is much better, but I know if I rest I will revert back to stiff joints and muscles quickly. (This is a consequence of radiation).   I have developed severe numbness in my feet and a bit in my hands - I mentioned this in a previous blog entry.  It's gotten worse.  Unlike my teaching that came back so naturally, some physical activities are not, particularly my curling skills.  I've curled for at least 20 years.  But after taking a break for 2 years, and having no feeling in my feet, it's been a challenge to get back into it.  Trying to slide gracefully on ice with no feeling in your feet is really hard!!!  I think I provided some comic relief for my teammates my first time on the ice!  At least I could join in the laughing.  It was quite the sight.  It feels so strange to have to relearn activities that I once knew so well.  At the same time, it amazes me that my brain can tell my body what to do based on memory instead of feeling.

The other part of everyday that is very time consuming is cooking.  When you eat clean, you also chop, peel, and slice a lot.  Everything we eat is fresh and homemade these days.  My dietary changes have forced me to experiment and figure out new ways to eat healthy and feed my family better.  I've started to think of my kitchen as a science lab.  My latest crazy discovery is Bread in a Mug, from the book Trim Healthy Mama.  I didn't believe it would work but it does:  mix 2 eggs, 2 tablespoons of ground up flaxseed, 2 1/2 tablespoons of almond flour, a dash or baking soda and a dash of salt in a mug or small bowl that can go in the microwave or oven.  Mix it together and put it in the microwave for 2 minutes or in the oven at 350 for about 10 minutes and voila you'll have a little round loaf of bread that has no grains or sugar!  It's crazy.

So that sums up my busy new life.  It's all really great.  I continue to feel really well, and I'm so thankful everyday that I get to enjoy all of these activities, plus be so much more involved in my girls' lives.  I've also decided I don't have time for chemo right now.  Nor do I want to give up how good I'm feeling, so we're putting it off until January, then we'll reconsider.  Life is good right now; my heart overflows with joy!


Here are a few pictures of me teaching today.