Overwhelmed with Sadness

I'm sorry for being silent....Silent on my blog, silent in returning e-mails and texts.  Several of my readers have "checked in" in the past few days to see how I'm doing. Silence speaks volumes sometimes, doesn't it?  In all honesty, it's been a long 3 weeks.  My back continues to keep me up at night, as I have trouble finding a comfortable position.  During the day, my back is feeling quite a bit better, but I'm tired all the time.  As a result, I have been struggling emotionally as well.  I actually read my own blog yesterday to remind myself of what I believe: "the future is fiction", "everyday is a gift", "live in the present and live life to the fullest while you can."  I have never written words I did't feel; I have been completely honest.  But over the past few weeks, I've had a harder time living what I believe.  I've been worried; thinking about death and my families' life without me.  I've felt sad and tired of this life.  I've felt sorry for myself.....been in a place I wish I was not.  My family has reassured me it's ok to be here.  But I have to say that living joyfully is a lot more enjoyable.  But sometimes we are emotionally in places where it's hard (or almost impossible) to choose joy.  Pain brought me to this point, and I've been so hard on myself for being here.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed in this state.  Thankfully, God is slowly leading me out of this "slump".   I have made many lists in my journal during this dark time:  How do I know I am loved,  What do I know about God,  My blessings,  Reasons to live life to the fullest.  About a week and a half ago, I started talking about how I was feeling with different people, people I can trust with my heart.  Talking is therapy for me.  I also went for counselling to talk through all my thoughts.  My counsellor is so good at telling me in summary what he hears me saying, which helps me make sense of my own jumbled thoughts.  What I've concluded is:  God is in control and I am not.  He knows what is happening in my body,  He knows what my future holds, and I don't.  So I need to rest knowing He knows.  I've also concluded that it's okay to think about death because it's inevitable, but not for too long.  I need to spend more time focusing on living for my girls' sake, my husband's sake and for my own sake.  I've also concluded that worrying accomplishes nothing, and I still have the ability to accomplish stuff in my life.  I can make a difference everyday, if I'm focused on others and not feeling sorry for myself.  I've concluded that sadness is a part of life; it's okay to visit it every once and a while.  It's not my fault, but rather a part of life.  Understanding sadness helps me appreciate joy.  So for those of you who are checking in - thank you.  It's nice to know people are waiting to read my words and concerned when I don't write.   I'm doing better than I was a few weeks ago, and my pain seems to be settling.  All the demands in my life have forced me to keep going during this time:  lunches still need to be packed, laundry still needs to be done, the dog needs to be walked and this crazy body needs to be stretched.  I've also continued to see people because even though my mind tells me stay in bed...I need people.  I need people to help me lift my spirits.  Yesterday I went for coffee with a friend who reminded me that struggles make me stronger and I cannot do it alone....I need God to give me strength.  Thanks for the reminder!

No More Trust

One struggle that I live with everyday is not being able to trust my body.  Whenever I have a pain like a headache, a stomach ache, a back ache, etc.  I don't just take and Advil and sleep it off.  I worry through it.....I question if cancer has relocated, or if a new "attack" is upon me.  I love feeling good so much; so much that I'm afraid of losing it.  What I have come to fear the most in my life is suffering from poor health.  So life is never completely relaxing...there is a constant wondering, especially when I experience pain.  The interesting thing about my mind is that I trust more in God than I do my own body.  I know He is in control, that He holds my future and I trust this.  My body is constantly a mystery to me....I can't completely trust it.  Unfortunately sometimes my trust in God also has trouble keeping my mind out of deep dark places.  Oh how I want to have 100% trust.  I know He will bring peace.  I know He will bring joy.  I know He will love me through every circumstance.  But I want every circumstance to be easy.   This week I have struggled with unexplainable lower back pain, and concern and worry has gotten the best of me often.  So I decided to write about it.  Often writing helps me sort through all the thoughts I have floating through my brain.  Many days I truly can rest in the trust I have in God.  I can somewhat relax.  I can tell myself, "He controls the cancer, it's His will that is best."  And that's all I need to move forward optimistically and living life to the fullest.  Other days I have this inner wrestling between trusting and worrying.  I have learned that these two cannot reside together; there is not room in one's mind for both.  And even when I think I've chosen to trust, worry stays and rearranges my thoughts.  In other words, some days it's hard to completely trust.  These are the days I call on friends to pray me back to my place of trust and peace.  And most often it works.  The one assurance I do have is that through this mumble jumble, I still hold tightly to hope.  I know trust will come.  I know joy will return.  I know my future is secure.  I also know some sunshine would help!  The one place that I go often during these times of testing my faith is my Bible.  Proverbs 3:5 & 6 need to be read and reread sometimes 100 times a day:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  When I read this, I have the head knowledge of what trust looks like and even feels like.  The key is to read it enough so that my heart understands it as well.  You may be struggling with your own trust issues, your own struggles, your own worries.  The challenge for all of us is to give them to God, to trust Him with them and to not take them back.  Not taking them back to worry over is the hardest part.  It's what so many of us continually work on.  I think writing about it has helped me; I hope it's helped you as well.

Thankfully, I am able to fill my life with good distractions, even when it's been a hard week.  Today I went to co-teach with a very dear friend, who I team taught with for many years.  I spent the morning teaching writing (which was my favourite thing to teach).....I felt like Regie (my teacher friends will get a chuckle out of this).  It was great to be back doing what I loved.  I felt so "at home" to be back in the classroom with my friend....we know how each other think/speak/act when we're in the classroom setting.  It was so much fun.  I also have several speaking engagements planned over the next few months, so preparing for them is another great distraction.  I had an amazing yogalaties class yesterday that helped my sore muscles feel better.  I have Jett who still needs daily walks and numerous friends who meet me to encourage me and hopefully be encouraged as well.  So life is good and listing all the goodness I have helps.  I hope you have blessings that you can count in your life as well......we all do.  We just rarely take the time to list them.  So my challenge for all of you today is to try completely trusting and list your joys, so you can celebrate your life.

The Night of our Lives!

Wow we had such an incredible night last night.  Our fundraiser event surpassed our expectations in so many ways:

There were so many people!  It was so much fun to see so many people we hadn't seen in so long.  It was almost surreal to see so many people from so many different parts of our lives all in the same room.  There were a few times throughout the evening when I just stopped and looked over the sea of people and recognized so many.  We felt so loved and cherished!  We tried our best to make our rounds and at least say hi to as many people as we could.  We wished we could have sat and visited for longer with everyone that was there.  We apologize if you were there and our paths did not cross.

The entertainment was amazing!  All 4 bands were unique and so talented.

The prizes were huge!  As a result, many, many tickets were sold and some very lucky winners went home with lots of treasures.  

The whole night ran incredibly smoothly and was obviously well planned and so organized.

We felt incredibly encouraged by peoples' kinds words, the financial support we were given, and hope that filled the room.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
to everyone who helped plan this event, who worked at it, who performed at it, who attended it, who supported us and who gave prizes.  You made this whole night possible, and it truly was an exceptional night.  I wish everyone could feel this loved and this special for one night!

Grade 10 Science

Today was another new experience for me.  I went to speak to a grade 10 class about the realities of having cancer.  The class was learning about cancer, and their teacher wanted them to hear about my experience to "give cancer a face".   When I start telling my story, I can get pretty passionate and lose track of time.  I talked a really long time....almost 75 minutes.  I mostly focussed on the facts of my journey:  how I was diagnosed, what treatments were really like, what my diet and natural medication plan looks like now and most importantly we talked about HPV and the urgency of having our girls vaccinated.  We are 90% sure my cancer was caused by HPV that was not diagnosed until it became cancer.  Having the vaccination could have saved me from all of this. (If you know someone who has a daughter in grade 6, urge them to learn all they can about the vaccination and the truth about HPV...Cancer Care Manitoba has lots of good information about it.)  Anyway back to today.....I talked a long time, and it was hard to tell if the students were intrigued or bored.  The teacher reassured me after that they were interested in what I had to say, so hopefully she is right.  The class sent me a list of questions that they had before my visit today.  I was impressed with their insight.  A lot of them had questions about how my perspective on life has changed.  I was fascinated that these young kids, in the prime of their lives thought about such things.  I really tried to impress upon them the importance of living for the present and making each day count.  I focused on my physical wellbeing and my mental health.  It wasn't the time or place to get deep into my belief system or the spiritual journey that I've been on, but it was interesting to me how my mind kept going there.  As I drove home, I reflected on how intertwined my physical health, my mental health, and my spiritual health are.  They can't really be shared apart from each other for someone to really understand the whole truth about me.  When I was asked what my coping strategies are today, I said, "my faith, prayer, meditation, relying on friends/family, physio, exercising, keeping stress levels low, keeping life normal etc."  Inside I wanted to scream:  "And I have a miraculous peace inside of me that no one can fathom.  It comes from understanding that God is in control of my life, and He loves me more then I can understand.  So everyday I wake up and thank God for my health and that I'm alive today.  I thank Him that I get to be with my kids and husband today.  I thank Him for all of my friends and family members that are blessing my life.  Many days,  I tell Him I'm scared and need Him to carry me through my scary thoughts.  Then I relax, knowing He will carry me through everything I experience, and He is bigger than anything I will ever face.  And finally I ask Him to show me ways I can give back to this wonderful world He's placed me in, and then I wait for opportunities that He presents before me."  This is how I cope.  This is how I manage to live this life.  I knew the grade 10's probably weren't ready to hear all of that and would think I was a crazy lady.  Maybe some of you aren't ready to hear it either and think I'm crazy, but that's okay.  This is my blog filled with me and my thoughts and I've been real with all of you through this entire journey, so why not today as well?  This is honestly how I start each day now and probably will for the rest of my life.  It's a gift to start each day like this.  It's a blessing in so many ways.

Speaking of blessings, I can't end without sharing how excited I am for this coming Saturday.  Our fundraiser social is coming up!  So many people have put so many endless hours of work into making it happen.  I can't wait to see it all come together.  I can't wait to see so many people from so many different parts of our lives all at the same place having fun together.  I can't wait to hear the bands and  watch the dancers perform.  I know it will be surreal.  Saying thank you for everyone's hard work seems too small, so I'll save that for Saturday night.  Can't wait!  Hope all of you who are coming are also looking forward to it.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year

It's been a long time since I've updated the blog...sorry to those of you who check it frequently.  We've been busy having a very special Christmas.  I felt exceptionally good throughout the holidays, and we spent lots of time celebrating with friends and family.  We stayed up late, played games, laughed, visited and figured out ways to enjoy Christmas food without sugar.  Many have stopped to ask me what my special gifts to the girls were this year....I completely forgot that I wrote about it a while ago and didn't realize that so many were suspiciously waiting to hear about them.  I wrote a book for each of them called, "My Wishes for You".  I filled each book with pictures of me and them and wrote about my 12 top wishes for their lives.  Each wish fills up a page, so it was a lot of writing.  I know it's a gift that they will appreciate even more in the future then they do right now.  They do love them already, and each book has found a special spot to be kept and protected.  I have walked into bedrooms after tucking them in to find them reading their books with a flashlight under the covers.  I hope that one day the pages are worn out from being read so often.  I was able to make a gift for each family member this year:  knitted scarves for my sister-in-laws, personal picture calendars for our parents, a letter for my brother and the hardest of all: a book for Darryl. There was no way of saying what I wanted to Darryl because the words of expression that he deserves don't exist, so I didn't even attempt it.  Instead, I kept it light and made a top 10 book for him.  I listed all sorts of things in it: top ten dinners out, top ten camping trips, top ten vacations etc.  It was a fun way of remembering how blessed we are right now and how blessed we have been for the past 20 years!  These gifts were so fun to give, and a joy to make.  They took tons of time and thinking, but they meant a lot to me and to the ones who received them.  I also received many thoughtful and heart warming gifts from friends and family.  I was so touched by the thought and meaning that each gift represented in my life and relationships.  Aside from gifts, we focused more on why we celebrate Christmas: because Jesus came to earth as a baby to save us.  We enjoyed the presence of loved ones around us.  I savoured each moment as best I could and tried hard to not let my mind wander out of the present.  I tried my best to not jump ahead to wondering what next Christmas would bring and rather returned my mind to being thankful for this year.
I have already felt myself slip into low moments as Christmas has come to an end.  The gifts that I have spent so much time on are now given.  The parties and social events are almost over and life will return to "normal" again, but I still am not sure what my "normal" is.  But I'm more prepared this time.  I'm learning that transition times are extremely hard for me, and I need to brace myself for them....how?  By making plans.  I will join a Bible study group at my church to help encourage my soul, I will continue to go to my Yoga class which helps me feel physically better and stronger,  I may possibly volunteer more in a school setting to keep my mind thinking like a teacher, I will get back to my routine workout regime so my body continues to get stronger, I will continue to discover new recipes that contribute to my health, and I may start writing more and taking on more speaking engagements.  Having a plan helps keep my mind focused on now.  Having purposeful plans helps me feel useful and needed.  Many will set New Year's Resolutions in the next few days.  Mine is to keep defining my new normal and figuring out who I am as I learn to live the life I have been given.  I have learned that pushing problems aside is not the best way to handle them.  Trying to solve every problem that hits me isn't the answer either.  It is better to embrace problems and live through them, so I am transformed into what I was intended to become - I am looking to see what God is telling me through these problems.  I have no idea what "problems" lay ahead this year, but learning to embrace them and accept them is a gift that I am slowly understanding and even appreciating.

Today has been a sad day for me.  One of my dearest cancer friends passed away yesterday.  We were diagnosed with genealogical cancers only 4 months apart.  We had the same doctors and although our treatment plans were very different; we understood each other.  When I was down after finding out my cancer was not curable, she was doing well and was one of the first ones on my doorstep encouraging me to keep fighting.  She started getting worse in August and continued to get more sick.  I'm incredibly sad for her family....she was a beautiful mom and wife.  What an enormous loss for them; a complete tragedy.   I am happy that she is no longer suffering; I know with all of me that she is now in heaven.  Her and I talked about heaven a few times.  I remember one particular conversation when we dreamed together of how wonderful life would be in heaven without cancer and all the consequences that a life with cancer brings.  I know she is now happy, healed, and completely at peace.  Her life is and will continue to be awesome for eternity, but this is almost no consolation for her family.  They want her here to love her and be loved by her.  She will be missed, she will be remembered, she will leave a beautiful legacy, and we will be reunited in eternity.  There is a part of me that wonders why her and not me?  I have no answer to this question, no one does.  But I do know I will think of her everyday for the rest of my life.

Happy New Year......set resolutions that will make your life better and the lives of those around you better.  Cheers!

Contrasting Years

I'm writing this on Dec. 10, 2014.  A year ago today I started chemo and radiation.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, naive, and hopeful.  My stomach turns at the thought of entering the chemo room and having it drip into my veins.  It was a beautiful room filled with caring, loving people.  I had many deep and sincere conversations in that room with the friends who went with me.  But I have no desire to go back.  That first day I went with my mom; I remember feeling like her little girl again who needed taking care of, and of course she was there to take care of me.  I remember my kids coming home from school with fear in their eyes wondering how it had gone.  And I slowly lost the ability to be their mom; the one who could take care of them.  My mom and Darryl's mom had to fill in for many weeks.  However, through it all, I was able to love my kids: hug them, tuck them in, cuddle with them.  My girls always wanted to come with me to the chemo room, but there was a part of me that refused to allow the pictures of that room to be instilled in their minds.  I'm glad I made that choice.  After finishing my first round of chemo; my mom walked me down to the radiation room.  That first radiation experience felt surreal....it still feels like a dream.  I always got a floating feel after chemo, which didn't help.  The "dungeon" felt especially lonely that first day because I was new at it.  It slowly became my routine.  As we walked through Cancer Care on that first day, I remember my mom saying to me, "I think when people look at us, they must guess that I'm the one with cancer, but it's you".  I spent so many hours at Cancer Care, and it did become a place where you guessed about peoples' stories.  I know that some of the people I met there are now survivors, some have lost their lives, and others are living with it, like me.  Living with it takes on a million different versions.  Today (a year later) I went to school and taught my beautiful grade 3 class.  They are so happy to see me every time I visit.  We told stories about losing our teeth today and laughed at all the different ways those baby teeth fall out.....such a joyful, fun class.  There were no needles to worry about, no rolling veins,  no one looking at me and trying to guess my story.  I came home thinking about how dependent I became a year ago and how I've regained my independence.  I am completely my girls' mom again....I take care of them and love them everyday.  Yesterday my mom came to spend the day with me.  We remembered our day together a year ago.  This year she said, "Somedays I still can't believe you have cancer."  This year we went shopping and hung out as friends, not me depending on her.  This year we laughed and just enjoyed each other's company.  We went to my brother's house for lunch after shopping instead of being assigned to a space at the hospital.  This year on Dec. 10 my kids will come home from school happy, and excited about the upcoming holidays, not wondering how chemo had gone.  Darryl will come home and kiss me and ask, "How was your day" without dread and sadness.   I will walk my dog with my kids as they tell me about their day instead of curling up in bed and wishing it was all over.  This year I went to the pharmacy on my way home from school to buy more meds; I was greeted by the staff with a "Hey Mel"....kind of like Norm at Cheers.  They all know me there.  But these meds don't make me feel sick; they make me feel better.   So this year on Dec. 10, I am thankful, so thankful.  Tears come to me as I think about a year ago and how much easier life is today.   I feel extra lucky that I'm not at the beginning of treatments.  However, I'm sad knowing other families are entering this Christmas Season like I did last year, with dread, fear and sickness.  For those of you who are dreading Christmas or facing sickness.....remember that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus' birth.  He came to earth to save all people.  He came to earth to provide a way for all people to someday enter heaven.  He came to show us that He loves us and wants to carry you through even the hardest year of your lives, just like He did and continues to do with me.


One extra special event happened today; my oldest daughter went on a field trip to the Forks with her choir.  After singing, she got to spend some time browsing the shops.  She found a bracelet called "Long Life".  It's a braided bracelet with 7 different coloured beads woven in.  Instead of buying herself something, she spent her money on me.  It's beautiful; she loves me in such a beautiful way.  She told me as she tied it on my wrist, "You're supposed to make a wish as I tie it on."  I responded, "I'd rather pray than wish"; she agreed.  We prayed for a long life together.

Thankful for Generosity

Our family continues to be blessed on a regular basis with incredible generosity.  People who know us, and some who don't know us, continue to help us in so many ways.  Just this Sunday someone anonymously left a beautiful card and some Christmas shopping money in our mailbox at church. What a huge blessing.   Someone who I barely know called me for coffee this week, just to encourage me and hear the latest on how I'm doing.  I get the kindest e-mails encouraging me to keep fighting and writing because my words matter.  I could go on and on and on.  (By the way I'm not writing this in hopes of more generosity).  I'm writing this to say thank you to everyone for all the beautiful ways you encourage us.  All of it makes a difference for us.  It makes us feel valued.  It makes us feel hopeful.  It makes us want to give back.  I do want to also thank God, who continues to bless us generously as well.  I continue to feel great - I feel like I'm a walking miracle most days lately.  I do not feel like I have cancer, even my mobility has improved significantly in the past few weeks.  He continues to give us peace and reminders that He cares for us. This past year has been incredibly hard, but without our faith it would have been incredibly harder.

We have another huge event that we are immensely thankful for.  Our incredibly generous friends Bill and Dan have offered, or should I say insisted on putting on a fundraiser social/concert in my honour.  The proceeds from this event will be a huge gift in helping me continue with the natural medications that I am currently taking and would like to continue.  My medication plan is big and expensive, so this is a huge gift.  I don't even know half of the work that Bill and Dan have already put into planning this evening.  They purposefully keep me out of the loop because they don't want me to feel guilty.  Several friends from various circles in my life have generously offered to help these gentlemen sell tickets for this fundraiser.  It will be held at The Oak on Jan.17.  Four extremely talented bands will be performing and some fantastic silent auction prizes will be available.  I know that not everyone reading my blog would feel comfortable at this event, and we don't want anyone to feel obligated to come.  In fact, I feel a bit silly writing about this event on my own blog, but it's the least I could do for Bill and Dan who have put so much work into this.  I've attached a poster that they created if any of you would like more information about the evening.  Two types are tickets are available - for those who are able to attend and for those who can't but would like to support.  And for those of you who can make it.....thank you for your generosity.  We are blessed.