Honest and Real

I've always been brutally honest in my writing, and many have commented on how I've kept things "real" through this whole crazy journey.  However, I definitely would choose to write about difficulties after they have passed.  I feel more comfortable being honest about something hard after it's over.  When life is really hard I tend to hibernate: avoid people, stay at home as much as possible,   and definitely don't let people see me struggling.  However, the past 2 weeks have been hard, and I've found myself in the situation where I have to be real with lots of people.  It's been good for me to be honest in the moment and let people see that I am suffering.  First let me explain the struggles I'm having:  I have had a lot of pain in my lower back, which means I've been taking a lot more pain medication.  Which leads to a bloated tummy that makes me look like I'm 4-6 months pregnant.  I've also started having swelling in my legs.  We're not sure why the lower back pain for sure.  We have a few guesses, one being that I've lost all muscle in that area and need to build it up again.  Everything (muscles, tendons, ligaments etc.) is so tight that it's really painful to move.  I try to take short 10 minute walks throughout my day, but lay in pain once I'm home.  I try to stretch, but again need to take pain meds after and lie still for half an hour for the pain to pass.  This is a huge concern for us right now.  My physios (including Darryl) are somewhat baffled by this pain, which doesn't seem to be lessening.  Another issue that has come up is my lymph system can no longer keep up with my lack of lymph nodes.  So I have lots of swelling in my legs as well as my abdomen (again contributing to my pregnant look)....my lymph is draining is these areas but not leaving my body.  So just in time for the heat, I get to start wearing compression leggings.  So all of this has lead to a fairly miserable state of mind for me over the past few weeks; many days of feeling sorry for myself and completely frustrated with my current life.  It would definitely be a time of choosing solitude most often; however, I've been put in situations where I had to face people.  I've learned that most people are completely ok with me being in a sad state.  For example, I went to my friend's green house to get plants for my deck pots.  The owner (a good friend of mine) graciously offered to help me fill my pots with soil and plants!  While I was there, 2 other friends showed up.  I had no place to hide and honestly felt so miserable that day, I had no choice but to be honest about how I was feeling.  I was in pain, and couldn't hide it.  A few days later, my Voyageur staff colleagues came by with delicious food to spend a few hours with me.  Again I was having a hard day with lots of pain.  Part of me wanted to cancel, but I missed them and wanted to see them.  So they came, and I lay on the couch and was honest with them about how I felt.  When everyone left, I felt better than before they came and realized the distraction for a few hours had been good for me.  I think most of us prefer to look like we have it all together.  We like to appear well (and healthy).  But the reality is most of the time, we all have something messed up in our lives.  We tend to keep our messes hidden, unless we can't.  I don't have the option of hiding my suffering, but being real isn't so bad.  In fact, it allows people to care and show their concern.  My challenge to each of you is to be real.  Let people in your life know what your life is really like.  Let people close to you know when something in your life is hard, or causing fear, or hurting your heart.  Most people will not like you less; they want to help.  I have learned that there is healing in letting others in to the secret parts of your lives.

If you pray for me.....please pray for wisdom about my back and relief from all the pain, so I can get mobile again.  Pray for strength and endurance.  Living 24 hours a day with pain for this many months is so exhausting.  I have been reminded this week that suffering creates perseverance.  I struggle to be ok with where I am because I want to be feeling better, but I can't change it.  I'm trying to find contentment even in my state of suffering, which is so hard.  But even when I'm suffering I have lots to be thankful for.  I know God is allowing me to be here right now, but oh how I pray for relief to come soon.

Back from Memphis

I know lots of people check my blog regularly to check in on how I'm feeling.  I apologize for taking so long to post an update.  We decided to take a little family vacation somewhat last minute.  Actually we had planned it a long time ago; however, then the plan was to drive 20 hours to visit our good friends in Memphis.  My back pain was definitely not going to allow me to sit for that many consecutive hours, and we decided we would have to postpone our plans.  A few family members disagreed with us, and graciously offered to help pay for us to fly to Memphis, which only took 4 hours.  So we bought our tickets only a few days before we flew away for our week-long get away.   It was such a blessing to take a little break from life for all 4 of us.  Our dear Memphis friends welcomed us into their home and made sure our time away from home was as comfortable and enjoyable as possible.  We ate amazing meals, visited the most interesting parts of Memphis, relaxed and got caught up on life.  Distance has definitely not affected our friendship.  Being in the presence of friends who care for us and love us so deeply was good for all of our souls.  I surprised myself on many occasions and did way more than I thought I could.  Before we left, I imagined my family would go off and enjoy tourist attractions while I rested by the pool.  But they were all patient with my slow pace and included me on all of their excursions; I toured the Civil Rights Museum, walked Beale Street, visited Graceland, and walked through a variety of downtown attractions.  Throughout our touring I was consistently reminded of suffering.  So many African Americans lived through extreme suffering as slaves.  They were treated with incredible injustice.  Martin Luther King Jr. died at a young age as he fought for justice and to end the suffering.   Even Elvis suffered; he died young because of his suffering.  Suffering is everywhere; it's a part of this life.  I was reminded that my suffering is small compared to so many others.  Suffering is a part of living on earth, so wishing it away is useless.  Injustice is also a part of this life that takes on so many forms.  This was good for my perspective, as I've been stuck feeling sorry for myself a lot lately.  I am tired of taking so much Advil.  I'm tired of always being in pain.  I'm tired of not sleeping more then 2 hours without waking up.  I'm tired of stomach pain from too many pain meds.  But it's my life right now.  It's what I've been dealt, so instead of wishing it all away I need to be thankful for what I can do, for the help that I'm getting, for the support I have as I keep moving forward.  Today I am especially thankful that I got to travel with my family.  I'm thankful that my pain is changing; as I have become more active, I have started experiencing some muscle building pain.  I'm thankful that I have time to take a nap most days to help make up for the loss of sleep.  I'm thankful that in this place where I have been extremely discouraged and frustrated, I have heard God say, "I will carry you" over and over.  I am extremely thankful that He has come through and carried me.  I could have never travelled without His strength.  Most mornings I couldn't get out of bed without His strength.  I'm also thankful for our upcoming summer.  It's my season of regaining strength and hopefully achieving better health all around.....it is what I still hope for.  It motivates me to keep going.

Triple Talk

Life continues to be an adventure.  My pain has had it's ups and downs.  I had a few days of hardly any pain, which was such a gift.  Currently, I have returned to lower back pain that shoots down my legs.  But the days of less pain were after a specific treatment, which means we've probably figured out the source of my pain and now have some direction on how to treat it.  So I'm feeling much more hopeful that less pain will be achieved (soon).  I am definitely starting to walk more and get around better, which is great since it's been beautiful outside.  My goal for the next few weeks is to build up some stamina.  After laying around so much for the past several weeks, I've lost my endurance.  Hopefully it will come back quickly.  One bit of great news, that I'm almost scared to share because it's so recent, is that I'm sleeping so much better.  I usually only wake up twice a night now and can usually go back to sleep fairly quickly.  This is a huge improvement from waking up every 2 hours and often staying awake for long periods of time.  This alone helps me feel better, although I do feel like I need several weeks of this to catch up for all the lost sleep over the past few months!

Amongst ups and downs with pain, I have spoken to over 600 women this past week.  I spoke at 2 spring teas, both held in churches, where I shared my journey and specifically shared how my faith has carried me through everything that we have been dealt.  I was once again reminded after each of these speaking opportunities that every woman has a story, and everyone has hardships.  So many incredible women came to share their stories with me after, and to encourage/thank me for sharing mine with them.  One particular lady held both my hands and thanked me for giving her new strength.  She didn't share what she needed strength for, but I could see a light shining in her eyes that she was ready for battle, to face her hardship head on because God was going to guide every move she made.  Meeting women like this is why I speak, why I love speaking.  It makes all the prep time and the anxiety of getting in front of an audience worth it.

The third event that I spoke at was The South Central Cancer Care Fashion Show fundraiser.  This was a unique speaking experience because it was with my mom.  We were asked to inspire.....from a patient perspective and from a volunteer perspective.  My mom is a volunteer driver for cancer patients that need to travel from Morden to Winnipeg for their treatments.  It was incredibly special to be able to speak together.  After we spoke, we got to watch an amazing fashion show and be a part of a fun evening.  We had lots of love and support at our table, including my sister-in-law (see picture below).  It was an honour to be part of this really amazing night for a good cause.   What's really amazing is that each day that I was scheduled to speak, I didn't feel well.  On all 3 days, my back was exceptionally sore, and I lay around a lot, wondering how I would ever get up and speak that evening.  It was truly a miracle to experience my pain disappear and my energy increase as the evening approached.  God met me in my state and gave me what I needed to get through each evening.  I am so thankful to Him.

So it's been an adventurous week of ups and downs.  When I sit and reflect on all that happens in a week, I can't help but wonder what this next week will bring....

What Quiet Means

I know I've been quiet for quite some time.  Quiet means different things for me....sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm in a bad mental space, sometimes I just have nothing to say, sometimes I'm in pain, sometimes I don't want to admit what I'm thinking.  Right now it's probably been a combination of some of these reasons, but the biggest one has been pain.  I shared previously that I was experiencing pain due to radiation and that I was going for physio for it.  It was starting to improve and then I started having stomach pain from the meds I was taking to control the lower back pain.  So I started working at controlling my stomach pain.  Just when I felt like things were maybe improving all around, I pulled a muscle in my back lifting a bag of groceries out of my shopping cart, more pain.    This pain has affected my mobility and pretty much every move I make.  It's so frustrating!  I just want to feel good.  To top it all off, all this pain has affected my sleep, so I'm tired a lot of the time and probably my pain threshold is lower when I'm tired.  When days turn into weeks of continued pain, it's hard to not think that the cancer is taking over.  It's hard to see an end to suffering, and it increases my fear of suffering more.  Through it all I have to take many deep breaths everyday and remind myself that God is in control.  He is allowing this for some reason, and He will carry me through it - this is soooo hard to understand.  Today I spent the day preparing a speech to give on Thursday evening (pray that my back will allow me to speak).  As I worked through "our story"  I was reminded that life has been hard for almost 2 years now, we have been through lots of tough stuff and through it all God did carry us.  Today is no different.  He will carry me.  I hope He will carry me to painlessness soon.  I feel like I need a break, but if He doesn't He will carry me through the pain.
So there is a reason for my quietness.  What I really want is to get on and share that things are great, that I'm feeling so good and that I'm feeling so encouraged, but not today.  Maybe next time.

A Birthday and More Back Pain

Last week I celebrated my 39th birthday.  Darryl took me away for a few days to celebrate, which I really appreciated.  It's so great to reach another birthday when you live a life unsure of how much time you have, but it's hard to think about what the following year will hold.  So it was nice to get away and focus on us and almost pretend that this life we are living isn't reality.  Birthdays bring on a lot of reflection time for me, but this year I chose to not spend too much time reflecting.  (Sometimes the reflecting is tiring).  I hope with all of my heart that I will live to celebrate my 40th birthday.  But many days I'm fearful of what I will have to live through to get to 40.  When I reflect on a year ago, it's crazy to think about some of the phases I've had to live through.....particularly surgery and everything associated with it.  I have endured more than I had hoped, and I wonder what this next year will hold.  Will there be another hard phase?  Will it be more difficult than anything I've ever experienced?  Then I remind my mind to slow down and enjoy today.  Today is where I work hard to stay focused on.

Unfortunately, after returning home from my birthday celebration, my lower back pain has returned in full force.  It hurts to my core, and everything I do takes so much effort because every movement hurts.  I'm back to physio 3 times a week.  I think it's improving, but I also know that sometimes it has to hurt more before it gets better.  Everyday I feel the reality of radiation and its effects on my body.  I will never be me without radiation.  I can never reverse the damage that is done.  I can work with what I have, but it will always be hard work.  My entire pelvis is intertwined with hard, scar tissue.  As of recently, I need to take pain killers fairly frequently to manage all of this.  And even when it hurts, I have to keep moving to prevent more hardening.  For those of you who pray for me regularly, please pray for strength, energy and relief from pain.  Body maintenance is a full time job!

This week is Spring Break for my girls.  They have been incredibly gracious with me.  Their expectations for our week have been low, and they have been happy to "just keep things simple".  They have been happy to do things at home, so I don't have to move as much.  I have enjoyed watching them make up running games with the dog in the backyard, watching movies and shopping one hour at a time (mostly at the Dollar Store preparing for an upcoming birthday party).  And thankfully Oma and Opa came to the rescue and offered a fun day out while I went to physio.  So even though this week will be very different than spring breaks in the past, it has still been fun.   Thanks girls for being so understanding!!

And Easter is just a few days away.  My favourite holiday of the year.  We will mourn Christ's death on Good Friday and be thankful for His sacrifice.  On Easter Sunday we will celebrate that He rose from the dead and gives HOPE to all of us.  How will you celebrate?  Happy Easter!

Pampered for a Day

The girls, my mom and I had an amazing experience this past Thursday.  We drove out to Morden to Pure Anada, a cosmetic store owned by Candace Grenier.   We had our hair styled and make up done.  Wow did we look good.  We should have taken before and after pictures because they really did an amazing transformation!  I was then fitted in some amazing clothes made by Heidi and Seek.   Then off to our photo shoot.  Thankfully the photographer was great at giving instructions and was so fun to work with.  Modelling does not come naturally to me, so I needed all the help I could get.  However, my youngest daughter loved the camera attention and ate it up.  It was a joy just to watch her.  My older daughter enjoyed it as well.  So why us?.....there is a campaign called "Causemetics".  "Causemetics" is a collection of cosmetic products made by a variety of all-natural, Canadian cosmetic companies.  The proceeds from this collection go to cancer research.  I was asked to be a part of a photo shoot to showcase the eyeshadow pallet that Pure Anada has made for the Causemetic collection.  Then the girls and my mom joined me for some Mother's Day photos for Pure Anada.  We all wore custom made necklaces from Marni Luhu in our photos.  The girls and my mom each got a necklace with their engraved first initial and my birthstone.  I got one with the girls names in a circle, mine and Darryl's name in a heart, the word hope engraved, a cross, and the cervical cancer gem.  It was such a special gift....the necklace really sums up my current life.  It's so beautiful.

So our make up was done by Kristin at Pure Anada.  Our hair was done across the street at Parlour 363.  My outfits were provided by Heidi and Seek.  Janet Haslam did the photo shoot.  The necklaces were made by Marla at Marni Luhu.  And all of it was orchestrated by Candace, who is my cousin.  Thank you to all of you for pampering us!   It was so fun.....it was like a day vacation from reality.  It was really fun to get to do this with the girls and my mom.  It was a special day we will never forget.  I feel so honoured to be a part of a meaningful project, and I can't wait to see the final product.  This day is another gem for us as we travel this journey.  Somedays it feels like we're journeying through a dark cave, and every so often a beautiful gem is given to us to remind us that this journey does have purpose, that there are blessings along the way, and we are right where we're supposed to be

Mother's Day Shot

Adjustments during the photo shoot

Lots of Curls was fun for our typically straight hair.

I love this eye shadow; if only I could apply it this nicely!

Receiving our beautiful necklaces.

Welcome Home

We had the privilege of "going home" to my small hometown on the weekend to tell our story.  The church that I grew up in invited us on Friday night to share the story that we have lived.  It was the first time that Darryl and I shared together.  It was really nice to be on stage with my "life partner".  Before hand, Darryl said he was really nervous, but I think he was more calm then me when it really came to talking; he also made more jokes than I did and got the crowd into it.  There was a crowd - considering the size of my hometown, there were a lot of people.  It was really touching for me to look out on the crowd and see familiar faces, faces I hadn't seen in many, many years, but faces that brought back good memories.  Every person's presence meant a lot to us - it was your way of saying you care about this crazy life we're living.  We didn't get a chance to talk to everyone, but we do want to thank everyone who came.  We hope our words made a difference for you and wasn't just a night of entertainment.  We talked a lot about "legacy" that night and challenged everyone there to consider their's.  It is not common practice to consider what we will be remembered for or to consider what we are currently doing to make a difference when we're gone.  I think lots of us think it's unlucky to consider this, but it's actually foolish to not.  Death is as real as life....if you live, you will die.  Making our life count matters.  Making sure we're ready to die is also really important.  I believe that eternity exists after this life.  I believe that I will spend my eternity in heaven - in the presence of God.  I also believe that what I say, do and act upon here on earth will matter when I get there.  I screw up a lot....I say the wrong thing, I don't take chances to help others,  I act out of selfishness....but I know God forgives me every time I ask him to.  My sins won't keep me out of heaven and my good acts won't get me there.  But I know God smiles on me when I do make right choices, and I hope someday he says to me, "well done".   By the way, in case there is someone reading this who doesn't know how to ensure you are going to heaven.....it's almost too simple because of how much God loves us.  All he asks is that we admit we have sin and ask him for forgiveness, believe that he died on the cross to pay for our sins, and believe that he rose from the dead to forgive us.  John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that anyone who believes in him will not die but have everlasting life." My challenge on Friday was to think about our legacies and my hope of heaven, but it's also important to focus on living and be thankful for this beautiful life.  I have promised myself and my family that I will make a conscious effort to not think about dying so often and think more about living.

Lots of people have checked in to see how I am doing emotionally and how my back is feeling.  I'm happy to say they are both slowly getting better.  I have been very committed to my exercises and stretches which are helping my back improve.  As a result, I'm getting more sleep, which has helped me to be emotionally more stable as well.  I have learned that my back pain is probably due to radiated tissue.  So I've started seeing another specialist twice a week who is helping me conquer the ramifications of radiation.  It will be a long hard battle, but I know I'm up for it.  So I go for appointments most days....physio, specialist, massage etc.  Then I come home and do an hour and a half of exercises and stretches.   Looking after this body has become a full-time job.  I'm high maintenance!  I am thankful that I have the resources to do all of this and the capability.  It will be nice when I can leave the house in flip flops, a t-shirt and shorts and not warm up the van for half an hour before I leave!  Spring is around the corner right?  The thought of spring fills me with hope.  Hope is what helps me carry on.  What fills you with hope today?