The Future is Fiction

I have done lots of reading in the past few months, and I'm sorry that I can't remember where I read this statement: "the future is fiction" because it has dramatically affected my thought process.  It really is profound...and true.  Nothing we plan for, hope for, or prepare for will necessarily happen.  Just like nothing we worry about and stress about will necessarily happen.   Nothing besides the present is for sure.  So how does this affect your present situation?   I have spent so many hours wishing my present state away and hoping for or dreading the future.  So in the past few weeks I've tried really hard to be happy for the moment, to make the most of the moment and to reflect on all the blessings I have in a given moment.   Tomorrow I turn 38 years old.  Birthdays are a time when we think in years....reflecting on this past year, many months have been filled with what I did not expect, was not prepared for, and certainly did not hope for.  It makes me wonder what will happen in this next year of my life?  Wondering is ok, but worrying is not.  I've learned that worrying accomplishes only one thing:  to bring down my spirits.   Worrying does not change an outcome, it does not heal, it does not make me feel better, it does not have a single positive result.   So this year, starting on my birthday, I'm going to anticipate the unexpected and wait for it with a sense of hope and wonder, but not worry.   I also know I will fail and fall into worry many times; however, each time I do I'm going to remind myself:  the future is fiction....I have very little control over it (especially that unexpected bad news).  Then I'm going to give it to God and trust Him with it, so I can enjoy the present more then I ever have before. 

This all comes after a week filled with days of constant worrying.  I had my first follow up doctor's appointment this past Thursday.   I was dreading walking into the hospital, and I was extremely anxious about getting bad news.  On Monday these thoughts of dread and anxiety completely controlled me.  I spent most of my day crying, every song I heard on the radio made me cry, commercials on TV made me cry and everything anyone said to me somehow reminded me that I have cancer and I'm tired of it, so I cried.  On Tuesday I started feeling a bit better....there were less tears but the anxious thoughts were still there.  On Tuesday night, I had some friends get me back on track.  They reminded me I have so much to be thankful for right now:  I'm turning 38, I have amazing friends, I'm loved, I made it through treatments: I'm a conqueror.  Wednesday I reminded myself that I don't control the future and that whatever I found out at my appointment will be what it will be and it will be what God intends. 
I was able to walk in to my appointment on Thursday calm and ready.  Thankfully the news was good, in fact it was great.  My doctor didn't do a formal cancer check (I have to wait for April for that), but he checked me over.  He was thrilled with my recovery so far.  He told me he was very pleased with how well and how quickly I've "bounced back" from treatments.  So all my worry was for nothing.  Darryl and I walked out of the hospital hand in hand and realized it was the first time since I was diagnosed that we got to walk out smiling and feeling good about what we had just heard.  It was a foreign feeling to us, but a great one.  When I got home I realized, I  had wasted 2 days of my life worrying.....I don't want that to happen again.  I know anxious thoughts for my April scan and appointments are just around the corner waiting to attack.  I will try my best to stand up to them and not let them get control of me.  

I have had a lot of amazing birthday celebrations already this week planned by my family, friends, and my students.  All of them made me feel so celebrated.  And I have learned birthdays are worth celebrating....every single one of them, not just the "big ones" because every year is another chance to make your mark.  So hello 38!  I'm looking forward to 39!

Ready or Not Here comes Rehab

So the past 2 weeks have been busy.  I have spent a lot of time and energy getting better and doing things I dreamed of doing when I was sick.  I am officially on a rehab program to help me build strength and stamina.  I walk for 15 minutes each day.  I have several strengthening exercises and stretches that I do each day.  Darryl got me started on all of this, but this week, I decided to go see another physio.  I've decided to let Darryl be my husband, and my physio be my physio.  It was a good decision; I'm a more pleasant patient for someone else.  My new physiotherapist completely understands me (she is a cancer survivor); she gives me just enough to work on, and is so encouraging.  I started seeing a counselor at Cancer Care as well this week.  It's good for me to talk to someone who is distant from my situation. It's good to reflect with her and keep the unknowns of the future in perspective.  I've gone back to drinking my green shakes every morning and can take my time to make nutritional meals.  So I'm pretty busy everyday taking care of myself.  It is paying off.  My energy has improved a lot over the past 2 weeks.  More energy means I can do some of the things I have missed.  First, I visited my classroom this week.  It was so exciting!!!  It felt so good walking into my classroom.  The students were surprised and so happy to see me.  They made me feel like a celebrity.  One of my students said, "I'm so happy to see you, I think I could cry."  This made me want to cry.  I got to talk with my students and read them a story.  It felt so great.  At the same time, it was bitter sweet.  I walked out wishing I could stay, but knowing I'm not ready.  I really can't wait to be back in my classroom full time.

I also got to go on a date with Darryl this week.  We went out for dinner and to the Jets game.  It was wonderful.  Dinner was nice and the Jets game was fun!  It was so great to be us, enjoying each other's company without feeling sick.  And the Jets won!

I've also been doing some writing, which I do love and is an important part of who I am.  I used to do a lot of writing for work.  Now I'm writing about this crazy life we've been living.  I was asked to write a piece for our church website telling what we've been through.  It was good therapy for me.....I cried and typed at the same time.  It's amazing how reflecting is already powerful.  Some days I'm still shocked that we've lived through everything we have in the past few months.  I'm still learning a lot about who I am and what is important to me as I am processing all of this.

Waiting and Healing

So the wait is on.  I haven't posted for a few weeks because there is nothing new to say.  Which is a good thing.  I continue to feel better and stronger each day.  I'm able to go out and get groceries, pick up my kids from school, run a few errands etc.  I have to pace what I do as I still get tired easily.  But at least I'm not just stuck on my couch any more.  My perspective on everyday living has changed.....I consider it a privilege to cook for my family, clean my own house and do our laundry.  Who would have thought I would ever feel this way?  All of these tasks used to feel like a bother.  You quickly learn to appreciate the small things after they've been taken away from you.   So far, I have enjoyed feeling better so much that I am able to push thoughts of April out of my mind.  Of course there is a constant wonderment about what April will bring.  But for the most part, I am just thankful that I feel good right now.  I feel like I have to do as much as I can while I'm feeling good, in case I'm sick again this Spring.   It is interesting to feel good and know there is cancer inside you.  Yes I wonder what is happening in my body...then I remind myself there is nothing I can do about it.  I eat healthy, I've started exercising (in small amounts) and taking some supplements, but the rest is out of my hands.  I know God created me and is ultimately the decision maker in all of this.  I know He is leading me on a journey (that has been extremely hard) to teach me many things.  In fact, I'm fairly certain I have not learned half of what I will as I continue to reflect on what I have been through and continue to move forward.  I know my perspective on life has changed, my priorities have changed, my dreams have changed, and my faith has changed.  I've learned to be curious about the future and anticipate good, but to embrace the present because it is the only thing we have for sure.  Everyday is our chance to make a little bit of a difference in this world.  It's too bad I've had to go through so much to learn this.  I hope some of you can be spared and learn through me.

Darryl is back at work full time this week.  His vision has continued to improve; it's still not as good as he would like.  However, the doctors have said it could take up to a year to completely heal.  He has resumed all of his activities:  curling, coaching, chauffeuring our girls, etc  He feels great most of the time, and his energy levels are also almost back to normal.  He still has some headaches, which is disappointing.  We hope that this is also an issue that will require time to be completely healed.

Our girls are doing well.  They have resumed all of their activities:  piano, track, dance, and basketball.  They feel like life is normal, and they love it.  I asked our oldest daughter just yesterday, "What has been the hardest part of the last few months?"  Her response was, "the unknown".  They don't realize how many unknowns still lie before us.  Because things feel normal right now, they aren't worried about what Spring may bring for our family.  Some people have asked me, "What do you hope for?"  At this point, I have to be honest, I have lost hope that the cancer will be completely gone by the end of April.  So my hope is that it will be small enough to safely do surgery.  And that's it.  If I can get through the spring with just a surgery, I will be thrilled.  I do know that another round of treatments may also be required.  But I try not to think about that too much.  This is my prayer..."let surgery heal me completely".

Officially Done

I am finally officially done my treatment schedule.  I had my last internal radiation treatment on Monday.  I've been more sick this time then the past 2.  But I am slowly starting to feel better.  I feel a huge amount of relief being done.  It's a lot like finishing a long hard school year.....I'm glad to be done, I feel proud for making it through, and I'm exhausted.  I'm giving myself some time to sleep, rest, and heal.  But I do know that I eventually need to get into a routine (mostly for my daughters' sakes).  I'm making plans for going grocery shopping, going to my youngest daughter's assembly next week, and my older daughter's music concert.  I do find that I need to pace myself.  It's really frustrating that I get tired so easily, but then I remind myself I did just have a major treatment 2 days ago and 6 weeks of daily treatments prior to that.  So I need to give myself time, and I need patience.  I really can't wait to feel good, and I'm hopeful that it will be soon.  I've taken myself off of all prescribed medication.  This is really exciting for me. I've taken so much medication over the past 3 months.  And believe me, everyone of them has some negative side effect.  I still take ginger Gravol a couple of times a day to manage my nausea, but I'm getting close to being med-free. I did manage to get out of the house a few times over the past weekend.  It's funny when I run into people who know me and haven't seen me through treatments (which is most people I know).  Everyone is surprised that I look a lot like I did before I started treatments.  I didn't lose any hair (I was very lucky), and I lost quite a bit of weight, but all over.  So I don't look that different.  I have been told so many times, "You look good" in the past week.  It does make me feel good and thankful.  I think I often look better then I feel, but it's been good for my family that I look like me.  I am not a visual reminder of cancer for them.

Darryl's vision has improved so much in the past week.  He is learning to adjust his eyes and head position so that his sight is more clear and his double vision is slowly decreasing!  He is easing back to work and his regular schedule.  He needs a bit more rest then he used to, but he is getting back to his pre-surgery life.

We do feel like we are turning a corner as a family.  We're in recovery mode and working at getting our lives back and being independent.  We are thankful that God has brought us to this place.  He is healing our bodies and giving us hope that our "crisis" is coming to an end.  We know that my future is uncertain and further treatments may be required.  But we are going to try our best to enjoy these next few months.  My next doctors appointment is at the end of March - to make sure I'm recovering.  Then at the end of April - to determine my progress and further treatment requirements.  We've decided to put these appointments out of mind for now and just focus on feeling better and making sure our girls are happy and feeling secure.

Thank you for following our journey with us.  Thank you for supporting us and carrying us through!  There are hundreds of people who have helped us get to this point.

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"  Psalm 34:8

Almost Done

I have to admit, I have not been able to write for a while.  Why?  You may ask.  For lots of different reasons....mostly because emotionally it has continued to be up and down.  Some days I feel so many different emotions my head spins and I feel like I can't write.
I am almost done my treatments.  I have finished my daily visits to the hospital for external radiation. Today is my first weekday at home in 6 weeks!!!  I thought finishing would be more joyful then it has been.  I think if I was guaranteed to be cancer-free at the end of all the treatments it would be different.  However there are no guarantees in this crazy game of cancer.  In fact, I learned last Thursday that my tumor has not shrunk as much as my doctors had hoped it would have by now.  So this news really sucked the joy out of finishing.  I do have a type of cancer that is hard to dissolve I've been told.  So, I need to finish treatments and give my body a chance to fight it before any further treatments or decisions are made.  I do expect to need surgery at the end of this based on the results I have received over the past week.  My oncologists will wait 12 weeks after my last treatment (Jan.27) to test me and see where things are at.  So no surgery until May at the earliest.  It's really hard mentally to think about living 12 weeks with cancer in me, wondering what is happening.  My medical team tells me to live life as normally as I can over the next 12 weeks.  You would think this would make me happy; however, I have to admit I'm a little afraid of normal.  I don't even remember what it feels like to be normal.  I sometimes wonder will I remember when I get there?  Will I get there?  I have been so weak and sick for the past 5 weeks that I have been at the hospital or at home.  So the thought of venturing out is overwhelming.  I know I also need to work on getting this broken body back to feeling whole again....another huge feat.  I need to start exercising and eating food other then crackers and toast.  The good news is my nausea is getting better.  Hopefully by next week, I will be off all anti-nausea meds and able to eat a variety of foods.   I do have 1 more internal radiation treatment left next Monday.  These treatments are brutal.  So until it's officially over, I live with the anxiety of having 1 more.  It's a really long procedure....up to 3 hours.  Luckily, I'm put to sleep and given medication that causes amnesia.  So I don't remember most of the treatment, but I'm really sick after.  I'm tired, shaky, and achy all over.  I feel like I have a bad flu.  The good news is, I usually recover within 24 hours.  Also I don't have a lot of side effects from this treatment.  So as of Jan. 28, I'm on my way to recovery.  My doctors did say that I can count this week as my first recovery week.  I am feeling significantly better.  In fact well enough that we're trying to live without our moms!  Our parents have been life savers!  For the past several weeks our moms have taken turns staying with us Monday to Friday.  They have been our built in nannies, house cleaners, cooks etc.  They have done everything!  And now we're going to try it on our own!  I'm a little afraid of living without them.  But this is part of the process of moving on.

Darryl is still home from work.  His recovery is going well.  His scar has healed so well.  His eye is learning to track and work with his good eye.  He still has double vision which is frustrating.  He really pushes himself to have both eyes open most of the day.  His doctors have explained his healing process as training....he needs to undo how his eyes and brain worked together for the last 38 years and reprogram them to work together.  So he needs to use his eyes together as much as possible.  He does wear a patch over his surgery eye when he's driving or if he gets a headache.  He's started seeing patients at home (we have a physio clinic in the basement).  It's been great for him to get back into real life.  

I have also been spiritually challenged over the past few weeks.  I have completely given this journey to God. I believe with all of my heart that He has control over every cell in my body.  But so far, I have not gotten good news.  And yet, I feel like I have felt the presence of God more then ever before in my life.  I feel like He is carrying me and changing me.  He has given me strength to make it though treatments.  He has taught me patience and compassion for others.  He continues to give me peace - even on days when I get bad news, He's got me.  He gets the last say.  And this helps me carry on. I am learning to rely completely on Him.

Home and Healing

We are happy to report that Darryl continues to be healing extremely well.  He came home from the hospital 24 hours after brain surgery.  The doctors have been so positive - feeling like his surgery could not have gone any better then it did.  His bruising and swelling has also healed very well.  Yesterday he had his stitches removed and his scar is remarkably small considering they cut a hole in his skull and removed a tumor through it!  His vision is blurred, and he has double vision right now.  This is expected.  The muscles surrounding his tumor were stretched and need to be strengthened.  We are hopeful that his vision will correct itself in the next few weeks.  He's up and about most of the day and sleeping quite well at night.  I'm pretty sure he'll be bored of being at home before he's ready to go back to work.  We are extremely thankful that the surgery is behind us and he is on his way to being healthy soon.  We thank God for taking such good care of Darryl and helping all the details come together.  We consider it a gift that he was able to come home so quickly.  The girls were able to return to school knowing Dad was at home doing well, instead of worrying about him in the hospital.  I didn't have to go to the hospital on my days off to visit him, which I was dreading.  We feel we are being taken care of in many ways right now thanks to so many lifting up prayers on our behalf.

I've had a few "lasts" this week - my last round of blood tests on Monday and my last chemo treatment yesterday!  This feels like a huge accomplishment.  I always dreaded my chemo Tuesdays.  So I'm in my last week of chemo drugs, chemo brain, and chemo nausea.  So glad to be putting this part behind me. Unfortunately my last round of chemo has hit me hard.  I got pretty sick almost immediately after receiving it this time...a really upset stomach and extreme fatigue.  It will last at least 3 days, but I keep reminding myself it's my last week of this chemo crap! (Sorry there is no other word that fits)   I still have 9 radiation treatments, which also feels more doable....I've done 19.  Unfortunately I've started experiencing radiation nausea this week - believe it or not, it's different then chemo nausea.  So my doctors will put me on a new plan of meds starting tomorrow until I'm done my treatments.  Hopefully it will work.  I find constant nausea extremely exhausting.  I do have to say that although it's been a bit of a rough week so far, it sure has been nice to come home to Darryl everyday.  It's so nice to have company in my misery.  We are somewhat of a miserable pair right now.  We pop pills like candy.  We lay around a lot.  We complain about our pain and ailments.  But at least we have each other.  I think we have a new appreciation for each other, and we definitely sympathize for each other in a way no one who hasn't been sick could.

A Successful Surgery

Just wanted to let everyone know Darryl had his surgery today.  According to his doctors, it went extremely well.  They were able to remove the tumor behind his eye, and they are very confident it's benign. Surgery took about 5 hours.  I managed to muster up enough energy to stay at the hospital after my treatments today and spend 1/2 hour with him after he was out of recovery.   He has a 2 inch incision along his eyebrow line, and a bit of swelling, but looked remarkably well.  Much better then I expected.  He remembered me and details about our life, which was a relief for me.  The doctors think he will be able to come home in 2 days!

I also got some good news today.  I met with my oncologist.  She believes treatments are working!  She did a quick test and believes my tumor is shrinking.  What a relief!

So today was a day of good news.
We were surrounded by people who loved us all day!  I had someone with me all the time, and there was always someone in the waiting room just outside the surgery ward. We are so thankful for everyone who was there supporting us.

Thank you also to everyone's good wishes, prayers, and encouragement.

Thank you to God for carrying us through this day that we have been dreading for so long, but can end feeling blessed and giving thanks.
"Fear not, for I am with you.  Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you,.  Yes I will help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"  Isaiah 41:10