17 years and 2 Perspectives

Yesterday Darryl and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary.  We had lots of fun.... a walk and dinner downtown, and a movie. We laughed and reminisced.  But there were some raw hard emotions lingering just beneath the surface for me all day.  Actually these emotions have been there all week.  Every other year when our anniversary came around, I felt so blessed; that my life was so much better then I ever planned for it to be.  Not this year.   This year I reflected on the past year, and wished I didn't have to live this life, that I could go back to my old life.  I'm tired of constantly wondering what is going on in my body and being paranoid with every slight change.  I'm tired of eating just vegetables and feeling paranoid if I eat anything else.  There is a part of me that wondered if it was the last anniversary I will ever celebrate.  Oh how I hope I get to celebrate another 17 years.   This past week, we were camping at Nutimik.  We had an amazing week.  Really great weather and a chance to catch up with all our "cottage friends" that we don't see throughout the summer.   I felt great all week and even forgot about being sick for an hour or two.   On the last 2 days of our week, I started thinking about the future, more than usual.  I would look at my girls and wonder if I will get to do this with them again next year.  Will there come a day when they are camping without me, and I will just be a memory?  It's crazy to think of yourself as just a memory.  I hope I have lots of years ahead of me.  But these thoughts have filled my head lately.  Which has forced me to think about where will I be when I'm just a memory on earth.  I am 100% sure that I will be in heaven.  I completely believe in life after death.  I believe heaven is amazing, and I will be happy to be there. But that's where my thoughts end because my life on earth is good and right now I want to stay.  I know that the Bible tells us to long for heaven and I understand this.....I long for complete healing and the guarantee of no more sickness, for complete peace, for all the greatness it has to offer.   I look forward to standing in the amazing presence of God.  I'm just not ready to leave my family, so for now I continue to plead that my life will be long here on earth.  I find it difficult when my head gets into these spaces - life gets confusing:  should I live like I'm dying or live like I'm going to live for a long time?  I get caught up in living so I'm ready to die:  saying sentimental things, sometimes being too bold, thinking through every thought and action.  Then I catch myself and remind myself to live like I'm cured and not think so much.  I feel as healthy as the old me; I just need my head to follow!  These 2 perspectives wrestle for my attention all the time.   I'm never sure which perspective is better.  Maybe having both is a good thing?  Probably part of the reason why these thoughts have been so prominent lately is due to my last dr apt.; it was a week and a half ago.  The apt went well.  My dr says my recovery is incredible.  I look good, I feel good.  But during these apts there is an assumption that my life will end due to cancer.  Time frames have not been given, but I know my doctors would probably say in the next few years for sure.  I left my dr apt informing everyone that I still had a lot to accomplish.  My dr smiled at me and said, "I'm sure you will."  So I'm hoping that writing about fearing the future will help get the thoughts out of my head and help me move on to LIVING.  I hope that getting back into my physio routine, back to training Jett, back to regular life will help.  But this is part of my problem.  My regular life no longer exists.  I am so afraid of September.  This will be the first September in years that I'm not setting up a classroom and preparing for my students.  (I cry every time I read this sentence.)   My medical team has recommended I not go back to the classroom this coming year.  I know my body and mind are not ready (especially my mind), but what will I do when the girls go back to school?  I've started thinking a lot about what I will do.  I'm working hard at viewing this time as a year of unknown opportunities.  Maybe I'll write a book (always been a dream of mine), or maybe I'll volunteer, maybe I'll advocate for HPV vaccinations/testing, maybe I'll start training my body so it's stronger than ever.  One thing I refuse to do is sit around and be sick and spend too much time thinking about cancer.  Right now I have no cancer symptoms.....no signs that I even have cancer (Maybe I'm cured!!)  I've decided no chemo, until I have symptoms.  So I hope I do get a year of opportunities and not sickness.  I pray everyday for opportunities and Darryl keeps telling me everyday, "Maybe it will be the best year of your life!"  I hope/pray he is right, because I've almost completed the worst year.  I hope God has big plans for me.  I hope He uses me to change others, I hope he uses me to make a difference, I hope he uses me for many years. I hope i get to do something amazing because I still have so much to contribute!

I've had a few of our readers ask for a picture who have never met me.  Here is one of Darryl and I taken in June, just a few days before my surgery.  17 years and we're still smiling!