One Year and More Results

As of yesterday, I have lived knowing I have cancer for one year.  In some ways, it feels like that year has been 10 years long, and in other ways, it feels like I got diagnosed just yesterday.  I spent my morning yesterday reading my blog entries from beginning to end.  I have never ever gone back to read a single one of them before yesterday.  After I publish, I never go back, I always just look forward and don't want to reminise.  But yesterday, I felt compelled to go back a reread all of it.  It was actually a great reminder to see where we were, where we've come, and all that we have conquered.  It was good for me to go back and see how much my body has been through in one year and how much my heart and spirit have grown.  It was good to go back and see how sick I was in comparison to how good I feel right now.  It was good to remember some of the hard days and how much stronger we are because of them.

After reminiscing, it was time to face another blow yesterday afternoon.  We got to mark our one year date with another oncology appointment, ironically I was put in the room I was diagnosed in - this is the first time I have been in that room since that day.  I had my PET scan last week, and yesterday we got results.  Unfortunately, it was more bad news with a bit of good news.  The bad news is the cancer has spread to my aortic lymph nodes (these are just above my cervix).  The fact that it has metastasized means it is not stopping, it is not giving in, it is continuing to grow.  It is still relatively small and contained to a central location in my body, but it is spreading.  Our small slice of good news is that the primary tumor has shrunk slightly and the area of cancerous lymph nodes prior to surgery appears to be clear.   It's also good that it has not metastasized to other parts of my body.  But none the less, it has spread.  So now what?  We've been asking ourselves this for the past 24 hours and have not come to any conclusions yet.  There are hundreds of questions that we do not have answers for.  Did the cancer spread before my surgery and more importantly before I started my new drugs/supplements?  No one on earth knows.  Did my primary tumor shrink because of my new drugs/supplements?  No one knows.  Would my cancer have spread more if I hadn't changed my diet?  No one knows.  My doctors offered another round of chemo to attack the cancer that is still in me.  They have assured me that it won't cure me, but it could stabilize the cancer for a period of time.  But I also know I will be sick on chemo.  However, it is a different kind, and I would only have it administered once every 21 days instead of every week.  I felt absolutely no pressure to start this immediately.  My team of doctors and nurses know I'm feeling great right now, and they have left the decision to do chemo or not, up to me.  I can start whenever I choose, if I choose.  The other option is to continue with what I've been doing (dietary changes/supplements) and give this a bit more time to work.  When I was in the hospital, I knew for sure I did not want to do chemo.  I have surprised myself by seriously considering starting again in the last 12 hours.  I feel that if I do chemo while the cancer is still small, I may have a better chance at getting it stabalized.  But in the same breath, I feel really good right now.  Maybe it's worth giving my current plan a few more months.  I know this is my decision, and there is no right or wrong answer.  So I've decided to be contimplative for the next week or so, and I'm hoping that at some point I'll know for sure what I'm supposed to do.  I continue to believe that God is the only one that really knows what has gone on in my body and the time frame of each occurrence, and He will give me wisdom for how to move forward.  So that covers the physical facts of where cancer is in my body to date.

Emotionally, we are sad.  We are frustrated, but not completely devastated.  Yes we had hoped for good news, and only good news.  But it's not the worst news.  Yes it's sad to be reminded that in some ways the cancer is growing and winning, but slowly.  Slowly means more time for me....more time to love my girls, love my husband and invest into all the people I love around me.  It was a reminder AGAIN that everyday of health is such a precious gift.  I'm carrying on, doing things I love (writing, teaching, reading, cooking) and carrying on with plans.  I was looking forward to speaking at a Women's event in November and these results will not change that.  I have lots to say right now to anyone who wants to listen, and it somehow gives this last year some validity - to think I could influence women to make good life/spiritual choices through the lessons I have learned.  Our hope remains in God, and in His ultimate plan for me and our family.  The results from yesterday don't change the plans He has for me.  Yes, I wonder why He has chosen another hard phase for me, but I will move forward in His love and by His grace.  Please don't be afraid to call, e-mail, text or talk to us.  We may be a bit sad over this round of news for a little while, but it is your love and support that helps us move forward.  Living normal life is what helps us cope.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  It's always been one of my favourite holidays, usually because it was my first long weekend off since the school year started.  This year is so different.  It's a holiday of reminiscing.....a year ago I was at the beginning of my journey.  I sat around our Thanksgiving table wondering what the week would hold.  My biopsy surgery took place the week after Thanksgiving last year.  What a year!!  We have been through so much.  The "we" in this sentence is a lot of people.  I often forget that, although it is me at the centre, my journey has been travelled by so many, many have been affected, many have been changed.  The "we" that I have particularly thought about this weekend is our families.  In my mind, each family member plays an important role for me.  Darryl's family (his parents and sisters) are my cheering section.  They are full of encouragement constantly.  All of them remind me often that my words matter, and they spread my words to "their people".  There are clumps of people who pray for me and cheer me on (who I don't even know) because of them.  They also help out with anything I need help with:  jobs around the house, shopping, anything.  I know I can depend on them for anything.  They pray for me more than I know, they send messages, give gifts and make phone calls just when I need them.  My parents are the ones who check on me (often - thankfully).  My mom calls most days, and she can read my mood through my voice on the phone.  She knows the instant she sees me what kind of day it is based on my body language.  She comes over to spend time with me on weeks when I'm low, just because I need someone.   I'm still my dad's little girl in many ways - his heart breaks to see me sick, but he believes I will be well with no uncertainty.  He feels good when he knows I'm feeling good.  My parents also help with so many practical needs and would drop anything to be help me with whatever I need.  One of the relationships I am particularly thankful for this Thanksgiving is my brother.  A year ago we were not close.  Even though I only have one sibling, I think we would both agree, that we let life take us away from each other.  We were always at different stages in life (we are 5 years apart), so we let our different calls in life keep us busy and uninvolved in each others' lives.  Now he is not just a brother, he's one of my best friends and a part of my medical team.  He is a doctor, and his advice and opinions are invaluable to me.  He is the one who holds some of my deepest, darkest secrets that needed to be said, but never repeated (when I was in the hospital).  He is very involved in my life now, along with his family.  His wife is also one of my dearest friends who has been there for me countless times.  I am so thankful for this.  And then there's Darryl.  He is so intertwined in my life that he can practically say, "I have cervical cancer" and he's never even had a cervix!  I am the face to my cancer, but his struggle and fight are just as fierce as mine.  In fact, sometimes I feel like his has been harder.  I can talk about my fear of death, and my fear of becoming more sick.  He cannot talk to me about his fears of my death or his fear of watching me get sick.  He has to be strong for me all the time.  I cannot even find words to tell you how amazingly he has supported me through this past year.  We have both sat in waiting rooms wondering if the other would get through a huge surgery.  We have sat by each others hospital beds hand-in-hand crying tears of joy and tears of sorrow.  He has loved me through weight loss, hair loss (I did actually loose a lot of hair - I just had a lot to lose), emotional roller coasters, and countless Dr appointments.  And through all of it, he continues to tell me he loves me and that he loves that God chose me to be his wife.  We both agree that we would rather go through all of this together than through none of it apart from each other.  I often marvel at the fact that I am married to one of the best people in this world!  I am so blessed!!   He is also a huge part of this blog.  I've encouraged him to write, but he hasn't shown interest yet, but he is the editor.  Nothing gets published without him reading, rereading and polishing what I have written.  This Thanksgiving I have thought so much about how thankful I am for him.   Of course I am thankful for my girls.  They are what keep me normal - everyday.  Even on low days, when the girls come home, I feel normal again.  They bring joy to each day and they demand so much from me that they keep me feeling normal.  And then there are all my amazing friends that love me like a sister - you all know who you are.  You are also a part of my family, and you have carried me along this journey in different ways:  listening to me vent, encouraging me (with daily texts), crying with me, making me laugh and just being there for me.  You are the ones that make me feel normal when I'm with you, but I know you are there if/when I need to cry, or talk, or sort through my thoughts.  This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for all of these people that play different, but very important, roles in my life.  I value all of you more now than I did a year ago.  You are all precious gifts to me.

This week WE are facing another bump in the cancer journey:  it's scan week.  I wasn't going to publish this, but I feel like I have been brutally honest through this journey, and I refuse to pretend everything is ok when it's not.   Please don't ask me about my results if you see me.  I won't get them until the end of next week, and I will share them when I am ready to share them.  I will decide when that is.  This week life is stressful for all of the "we's" in my life.  We wonder what will be found and pray for what won't be found.  This time around I am trying so hard to just give it to God.  He will let whatever He wants show on those scan results.  I refuse to let cancer take away my joy, take away my peace, and take away my faith.  I will try my best to believe that the future is fiction and the results are just one piece in the puzzle of my life not the final say (whatever they show).  I will cling to the promise that God gets the final say.  1 Peter 4:8-11 "Keep a cool head.  Stay alert.  The devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping.  Keep your guard up.  You're not the only one plunged into these hard times.  It's the same with Christians all over the world.  So keep a firm grip on the faith.  The suffering won't last forever.  It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ - eternal and glorious plans they are! - will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word, yes He does!" (The Message)

Talking, Teaching, Tingling, and a Tribute

I have had a crazy couple of weeks.  First was my chance to speak.  Darryl had the opportunity to share our story a few months ago at a men's breakfast in our church.  Since then I've thought a lot about if that is something I would like to do, could do, and what would I say.  In some ways it feels like I have so much to say, too much to say; and yet so much as been said here with all of you.   Writing words is in my comfort zone - my release, but speaking is so different.  I met with my pastor on Friday.  He's more than a pastor; he's a great friend as well.  He visits/checks in with me every so often, so I thought it was one of those get togethers, which it was.  But after a great discussion about our upcoming Sunday service, we cooperatively decided it was a good Sunday for me to share some of my thoughts.  We did it interview style, and I basically shared my thoughts about the gains and losses of living and dying.  (Phillipians 1 was the scriptures we were studying).  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and one of the easiest at the same time.  The thought of going in front of hundreds of people to talk about dying seemed ridiculous in my head (and my pastor's), but in my heart it felt completely right and the words came easily.  I knew God had planned this for me, and the words came straight from Him and out my mouth.  I know my interview has spread like wildfire over Facebook.  Social media has changed our world.  I thought I was speaking in church on Sunday, now hundreds are listening to my voice who don't even know me.  I do pray that everyone who hears it is blessed by it in some way.  I'm fine with it being spread; it's just so interesting to me how communication works and has changed.  The only sad part was that my mom heard it on Facebook before I had even told her I had done it - sorry mom.

Another huge highlight for me is that I'm going to start teaching again!  I got the perfect job:  I'll teach one afternoon a month at Voyageur School.  Five years ago I was trained to be a Roots of Empathy facilitator.  Roots of Empathy is a program developed by Mary Gordon; it is structured around watching a baby,  from the community, grow over the course of a year.  The baby visits the classroom once a month and through observations and discussions, we talk about feelings and care for the baby.  This is transferred into deeper more caring relationships for the participating students.  It really is a fascinating program that I love teaching.  I am so excited to be able to do it.  The guidance counsellor at Voyageur School is a dear friend.  She called me a few weeks ago asking me to be a facilitator at her school because she needed to run one more program and had no one to do it.  She knows me well, and I think she's doing it more for my benefit then hers - thank you.  Furthermore, I'll be teaching with an amazing teacher, who has been one of my many supporters this year.  I'm so excited to be in her classroom.  I taught at Voyageur for 5 years, so it feels like going home.  The whole staff has embraced me with tons of support this year (notes, e-mails, meals, nights out).  So it's great to be back, even if in a small way.  I went in to do some planning this week; it felt so good to talk like a professional.  It's been so long, and I wasn't sure if it would all come back (I still feel like I have chemo brain somedays).  But once I started it came back to me right away.  Hopefully the same will happen when I'm actually in with the students.  We start our first lessons on Oct. 9.  I can't wait!

I continue to feel really good, but unfortunately my feet have gone numb/tingly.   We spent today trying to figure it out.  I was once again amazed at the care I receive.  I called my nurse this morning to tell her about my feet at 9 am.  By 10:30 I was at the hospital having blood drawn.  By 12:30 pm I was told all my blood levels were normal.  So, based on my symptoms or lack there of, we're pretty sure the new medication I'm on is causing it.  I'm trying another supplement to counteract the buzzing in my feet.  Hopefully it stops in the next few weeks.  I am so thankful for a team of doctors and nurses that know me well and get things done quickly to help me try to find peace of mind - which I rarely have, at least not completely.  But there are versions of it.

I can't end my writing today without mentioning Michael.  He is my cousin.  We were both diagnosed with cancer (at similar times), we were both told we were terminal.  We were not close in age (he was 10 years younger then me), we lived in different provinces, but through the few e-mails that we shared, we understood each other.  Michael was (and continues to be)  an inspiration to me and thousands of others - he made his journey on earth count.  He went to Heaven this week.  He was dearly treasured and will be dearly missed.  And yet we know that now he is in a place "that is better by far".  My prayers are with his family, who will feel a huge emptiness and loss for a long time.  I pray that the hole that is left in their life will be filled with peace.

My Whole Body Treatment Plan.

I felt like it was time to write this week, but I wasn't sure what to write about.  Usually I think about my words for a few days and then it flows easily.  But I felt a bit stuck.  Then as I thought about all that I've shared, it hit me that I've shared very little about my new treatment plan, and yet it is all consuming everyday.  So here it is.......

When the 3 big treatments don't work (chemo, radiation and surgery) you have a choice to make:  give up and let cancer take its course (and live out your doctor's prophesying words) or try something else.  When you start researching and looking into alternative treatments there are many to choose from.  So how do you choose?  You pray, you talk to people you trust and you go with what feels right for you.....and you have to believe in what you're doing if you want it to work.  And then you cling to HOPE.

Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert was a huge hit a few years ago.  Women all over read it and watched the movie, and may have even made some lifestyle changes based on the book.  Maybe what Gilbert didn't realize was that she was close to writing an alternative treatment plan for cancer.  My new treatment:  PRAY, EAT, BODY, MIND.  This is a treatment plan that focuses on healing, not on a cure.  I have to start with pray because I completely believe that my cancer journey has been more spiritual then anything else.  I believe it is a journey that God has taken me on.  So above all else, I always give my healing to Him and trust Him with it.  But I also believe God has given me the intelligence to research and figure out ways to help myself on the road to healing.

So my next step to healing is EAT.  I have drastically changed my eating habits over the past year.  I have learned a lot about how much food affects our health and the growth of cancer.  Cancer cells multiply much faster than normal cells, and they thrive on sugar.  So, I'm trying to starve my cancer cells;  I am on a completely sugar free diet.  This restricts me from a lot of food, since almost everything has sugar or turns into sugar in our bodies.  I eat mostly vegetables.  I'm learning to be creative, and I've done lots of experimenting with different recipes.  I also eat fish, chicken, nuts, and legumes for protein, and lots of healthy fats: butter, olive oil, coconut oil, avocado etc.  These fats are really good for me.  They actually inhibit the growth of cancer cells.  I do have 1 serving of fruit a day (in my morning smoothie), but that's it.  On top of my diet, I take about 30 vegetable-based supplements everyday.  A lot of these are designed to fight cancer, such as turmeric, and others are to boost my immune system, such as multivitamins and probiotics.  It is believed that if you boost your immunity, you give your body the chance to fight cancer.  I also drink pectin 3 times a day (it's terrible).  Pectin is proven to prevent cancer from metastasizing.  The tricky part is I can't take pectin with my supplements (I need an hour in between), so I take 7 rounds of meds a day.  This means I usually don't leave the house without a pill pack in my pocket.  I often try to plan appointments/get togethers around med times.  It's a crazy drug schedule, and I need one of those weekly pill planners to keep it all straight.  I also have a checklist on my fridge.  I've been doing it since February with a few additions after surgery.  It definitely is getting easier.   This supplement plan is a financial sacrifice for my family.  It costs a lot to take natural drugs, but thankfully Darryl says I'm worth it!!

There has been a lot of focus on my BODY over the last year from myself and my medical team.  What I'm learning is that maybe too much focus was on my cancer, instead of focusing on the rest of me to equip me to fight cancer.  So now I'm working hard at undoing the physical damage that chemo and mostly radiation caused.  Through this process, I'm learning to love my body and to listen to it better then I used to.  I used to get up at 5 am and exercise hard for 30-60 minutes, trying to shape my body into what I believed it should look like in order to fit into a new pair of jeans or to go bathing suit shopping.  Now I do strengthening exercises that will help my body enjoy life.  I use Pilates and yoga to help me stretch and gain flexibility, so I can play with my kids and overall feel better.   I have learned the importance of deep breaths to help my whole body relax.  Breath feeds our entire bodies with life-giving oxygen, but we don't think about it very much.  I'm learning that my exercise needs to have a social component, so I can focus on others and not just myself.  I walk with friends for my aerobic exercise because it's good for my physical body and good for me to connect with people.  I'm more in tune with how I feel and what my body needs instead of working out because it's on my to-do list. I now recognize my body as an intricate amazing instrument that has been through so much, recuperated, and still capable of fighting cancer if I fill it with what it needs and treat it well.  I think that God must have had so much fun designing our bodies.  The capabilities of the human body are amazing and so detailed.

Probably the most important component of my treatment is my MIND.  It's so much more powerful then we realize.  Being positive, believing you are healing,  helps just as much as the supplements and exercise (if not more).  I'm learning to love everything I do and cut out the things I don't.  This helps me keep my stress level in check.  I used to do more then I should and strive to be exceptional at everything I did to please everyone around me.  I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me that I didn't consider the stress it was creating.  I truly believe that my rushing around and constant striving is what allowed my immune system to break down and not fight cancer.  Now, I focus my mind on worship and good thoughts, so that I feel good.  I give my worries to God and truly leave them there, so I can live like I have nothing to fear.  I am learning the importance of filling my mind with inspiration and peace at the start of everyday.  I read my Bible and read books that inspire me.  I set goals for each day that are achievable and have just started to set goals beyond a month ahead.....this has been hard for me to do since surgery.  Keeping my mind in a good place is the hardest part of my treatment plan.  Negative thinking and feeling sorry for myself can be hard to tame.  I have to admit that the past 2 weeks have been incredibly hard, and some days my mind kept me in a pity party.  I missed being at school so much that other "issues" crept up and got the best of me.  Thanks to a few friends, my mom, and my counsellor who patiently helped me get out of this slump.  They checked in often and listened to my ramblings as my mind sorted through another round of confusion.  I needed to let God help me sort through the mess and then get everything lined up in my mind again.  I know it probably will happen again sooner, rather then later.  It's a constant battle......staying positive, trusting God completely, focusing on living instead of fearing death.  But it's completely possible.  "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength"  Phillipians 4:13

The best part of this new treatment plan is that it's unique for me, and it's about my whole body.  I really feel like you can't help one part of your body without looking at the whole.  I think we do an injustice to ourselves when we focus on one part and not the rest (I used to do this all the time with quick diets or intensive workout plans).  I think this treatment is being effective - I feel great.  It's time consuming, but forgiving when time slips away.   Why share it with all of you?  Because I have been told that I most likely had cancer 5-6 years before it was discovered.  1/3 of people are susceptible to developing cancer.  If someone had told me about all of this before, I may have been able to prevent it.  You don't need to go as extreme as me, just find your own version.  Now go have a green shake, walk with a friend, and give your mind a rest!  Do it for me!

Roller Coasters and Spiritual Contemplations

We just got home from a great few days in Minneapolis.  We had perfect weather.  Our biggest highlight was going to Valley Fair.  This year we did all the biggest and wildest rides as a family.  Our youngest daughter is officially tall enough to do all of them, and I was brave enough to do most of them.  My new outlook:  “After everything I’ve done this year a wild ride or two is nothing!”  We spent hours on The Extreme Swing, The Wild Thing, Steel Venom, and The Cork Screw.  So many thoughts went through my head as I was there.  First, “Thank you God that I am well enough to enjoy this day with my family”.  Second, “Cancer is a lot like a crazy roller coaster.”   Obviously there are lots of ups and downs.  But there are other similarities: sometimes it feels like a slow up hill battle, then suddenly it feels like you’re falling and completely out of control.  Most of the time I can’t wait for the ride to be over, but when I’m done I’m glad I did it.  I hope my cancer ride comes to an end soon, but I’m still struggling with being glad I went through it……I know some good has come out of it,  but a lot of bad has as well.   I'm not sure if I can come to a place where I am thankful that I got to go through it, especially if I'm never declared cured.  What good has come out?  This has been a question that I have been contemplating a lot lately.  Probably the biggest one is that cancer has forced me to slow down and live one day at a time.  I move slower; I do everything slower.   This is partially because I can’t move as fast (my pelvis feels like it’s 100 years old after all the radiation I’ve had), but also I am learning to stop rushing.  What’s the point?  I’m learning to be content with getting done what I can and leaving the rest until later.  I’m also learning that I need to give myself more time to do things.  Furthermore, I’m learning to have way more patience.  And I’m probably making Darryl more impatient because I take so long to do everything.  Being slower has allowed me to be a lot more reflective.  I think about why? as I move through each day questioning the reason/purpose behind everything I do.  Which leads to another contemplation that I’ve had lately, “why me?”  “why like this?”.  There is a part of me that knows it’s not really my right to ask why, but I still wonder why?  I know lots of you who read my blog don’t know God or believe/trust in Him like I do.  I also know lots of you have questioned how can I continue to trust God when He has not answered me the way I want Him to.  Well I have also wondered this lately.  I believe God loves me (and each of you) more then I can even understand.  I believe He’s completely in control of everything that goes on around all of us.  I believe He holds my future in His hands.  I believe He is all powerful, all knowing, that He created the whole earth and will escort me to heaven one day.  I believe God sent His son to earth to die for all of our sins.  I believe He died for my sins and has forgiven me for them.  I believe He died for everyone's sins, and He wants everyone to accept His grace and forgiveness (this is your ticket to heaven).  I believe that He allowed me to have cancer, so I would start this blog.  I believe He let me have cancer so I could develop more compassion for those who are suffering.  I believe He has put lots of people in my cancer path so they could see Him through me.  I believe that I will always have faith in Him to give me strength to do what He wants me to do.  But I still wonder why it has to be like this?  I wonder if He will ever let me know that I’m cured?  There is a part of me that can’t completely trust Him with my future because He has let me down (according to me).  He lets bad things happen to good people.  I think this is one of the biggest issues that christians and non christians have with understanding God.  Why does He let bad things happen to us?  Why does He sit and watch my girls watch their mom suffer?  Why does He not choose to cure me if He can?  I have no answers to these.  People try to explain it to me….but my heart does not completely understand.  I know that there are people who refuse to completely trust God with their life because of this one aspect that they can’t understand.  If there is anyone reading this who is in that situation, know that as christians we struggle with the same questions.  But at the same time, I do know that part of living for Him is not understanding, but still trusting.  The reality is that even though He has let this all happen to me; He has never abandoned me.  In fact, He has revealed himself to me time and time again and carried me through some very dark thoughts and situations.  So maybe He allows bad things to happen, so we can see Him and experience Him in bigger and more real ways.  He lets bad things happen, but He helps us through them.  The Bible tells us to REST and take REFUGE in God over and over again.  I’m learning that this means:   “Don’t analyze life.  Rest and trust me, I see the big picture that you don’t understand.”  So I carry on not knowing what my future holds, and knowing that it may have more bad news, but that He is in control.  I will trust Him.  I will believe in Him and continue to give my life to be used by Him.  I will believe that cancer is a part of becoming who He wants me to be.  Cancer is my road to serving Him in ways I would never have expected.  A wise friend recently contemplated with me, “Maybe you need to learn to be ok living with cancer instead of trying to get rid of it.”  This is a really hard concept for me, but I'm working on it.  All of this is hard to think about, but we all need to consider what we believe and in what we put our trust.   I guess really all of us our on the crazy ride called life.  I hope each of you are enjoying your ride for today .  I am! I am feeling so good, and enjoying each day to the fullest because I know I am being taken care of.


"God's way is perfect.  All the Lord's promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.  Psalm 18:30

17 years and 2 Perspectives

Yesterday Darryl and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary.  We had lots of fun.... a walk and dinner downtown, and a movie. We laughed and reminisced.  But there were some raw hard emotions lingering just beneath the surface for me all day.  Actually these emotions have been there all week.  Every other year when our anniversary came around, I felt so blessed; that my life was so much better then I ever planned for it to be.  Not this year.   This year I reflected on the past year, and wished I didn't have to live this life, that I could go back to my old life.  I'm tired of constantly wondering what is going on in my body and being paranoid with every slight change.  I'm tired of eating just vegetables and feeling paranoid if I eat anything else.  There is a part of me that wondered if it was the last anniversary I will ever celebrate.  Oh how I hope I get to celebrate another 17 years.   This past week, we were camping at Nutimik.  We had an amazing week.  Really great weather and a chance to catch up with all our "cottage friends" that we don't see throughout the summer.   I felt great all week and even forgot about being sick for an hour or two.   On the last 2 days of our week, I started thinking about the future, more than usual.  I would look at my girls and wonder if I will get to do this with them again next year.  Will there come a day when they are camping without me, and I will just be a memory?  It's crazy to think of yourself as just a memory.  I hope I have lots of years ahead of me.  But these thoughts have filled my head lately.  Which has forced me to think about where will I be when I'm just a memory on earth.  I am 100% sure that I will be in heaven.  I completely believe in life after death.  I believe heaven is amazing, and I will be happy to be there. But that's where my thoughts end because my life on earth is good and right now I want to stay.  I know that the Bible tells us to long for heaven and I understand this.....I long for complete healing and the guarantee of no more sickness, for complete peace, for all the greatness it has to offer.   I look forward to standing in the amazing presence of God.  I'm just not ready to leave my family, so for now I continue to plead that my life will be long here on earth.  I find it difficult when my head gets into these spaces - life gets confusing:  should I live like I'm dying or live like I'm going to live for a long time?  I get caught up in living so I'm ready to die:  saying sentimental things, sometimes being too bold, thinking through every thought and action.  Then I catch myself and remind myself to live like I'm cured and not think so much.  I feel as healthy as the old me; I just need my head to follow!  These 2 perspectives wrestle for my attention all the time.   I'm never sure which perspective is better.  Maybe having both is a good thing?  Probably part of the reason why these thoughts have been so prominent lately is due to my last dr apt.; it was a week and a half ago.  The apt went well.  My dr says my recovery is incredible.  I look good, I feel good.  But during these apts there is an assumption that my life will end due to cancer.  Time frames have not been given, but I know my doctors would probably say in the next few years for sure.  I left my dr apt informing everyone that I still had a lot to accomplish.  My dr smiled at me and said, "I'm sure you will."  So I'm hoping that writing about fearing the future will help get the thoughts out of my head and help me move on to LIVING.  I hope that getting back into my physio routine, back to training Jett, back to regular life will help.  But this is part of my problem.  My regular life no longer exists.  I am so afraid of September.  This will be the first September in years that I'm not setting up a classroom and preparing for my students.  (I cry every time I read this sentence.)   My medical team has recommended I not go back to the classroom this coming year.  I know my body and mind are not ready (especially my mind), but what will I do when the girls go back to school?  I've started thinking a lot about what I will do.  I'm working hard at viewing this time as a year of unknown opportunities.  Maybe I'll write a book (always been a dream of mine), or maybe I'll volunteer, maybe I'll advocate for HPV vaccinations/testing, maybe I'll start training my body so it's stronger than ever.  One thing I refuse to do is sit around and be sick and spend too much time thinking about cancer.  Right now I have no cancer symptoms.....no signs that I even have cancer (Maybe I'm cured!!)  I've decided no chemo, until I have symptoms.  So I hope I do get a year of opportunities and not sickness.  I pray everyday for opportunities and Darryl keeps telling me everyday, "Maybe it will be the best year of your life!"  I hope/pray he is right, because I've almost completed the worst year.  I hope God has big plans for me.  I hope He uses me to change others, I hope he uses me to make a difference, I hope he uses me for many years. I hope i get to do something amazing because I still have so much to contribute!

I've had a few of our readers ask for a picture who have never met me.  Here is one of Darryl and I taken in June, just a few days before my surgery.  17 years and we're still smiling!

Doggy Distractions

We have had a great few weeks.  We've enjoyed our friend's pool.  I've gone for lots of walks and visited with friends in the backyard.  I've even gone for a weekend of camping and a weekend at our friends' cabin.   I'm feeling really well.  My incision has healed almost completely.   My pain is almost all gone.  I have my 6 week post-op check up this week.  I dread it.  My doctors are great, but they treat me like my life is ending; which is really hard mentally.  It is a mental game every single day for me.  I wake up every morning and think, "I have terminal cancer, how can this be?"  Then I spend the next half hour or so, psyching myself up to face my day.  I start with prayer to help me remember that God is always with me and His presence surrounds me at all times.  I spend some time reading my Bible and focusing on promises written in it.  Then I do lots of self talk, "I'm feeling great."  "I have today as a gift, so I need to make the most of it." When I put my feet on the floor, I feel like the hardest part of my day is behind me and I'm ready to face the day.  The more I can do, the more I do, the more people I see, the more normal I feel.  And the more other people see me as me, the same Melanie I've always been, maybe even a bit better.....more relaxed, more patient, more in tune with details, less concerned about the small stuff, the more normal people are treating me.   The fact that I feel better and better everyday is such an amazing gift to me and my family.  The better I feel, the easier it is to face each day and not feel like I have bad news lurking around each corner.

Last post, I told you about the summer list we made.  Well it has not been looked at for the past 2 weeks.  Why?  Because we fulfilled the one thing on the list that really mattered to our girls:  we got a puppy.  His name is Jett, and he has been a huge blessing to all of us.  He so cuddly and fun.  He's also a lot of work, so we've been busy training.  As a result, for the past 13 days my girls have not thought about cancer.  They've been consumed with feeding, walking, and bathroom schedules.  I think it's also been good for all of us to be taking care of something, instead of being taken care of by others.   Darryl deserves a medal for best dad of the year.  He is NOT a dog person.  He did not want a dog at all.  But he gave in and gave his girls the gift of joy.  And he has not left it at that; he helps take care of Jett all the time.  He walks him, cleans up poop, feeds him and gets up early on the weekends so the girls can sleep in.    It is the most sacrificial gift Darryl has ever given, and he hasn't complained too much.  I think he's even starting to like Jett.  I'm looking forward to having a companion when the girls go back to school, which will be incredibly hard for me.  I have to brag a little about my new puppy.  He's so cute!  He's a yorkie bichon.  He loves to cuddle.  Loves to go for walks.  He's pretty laid back most of the time, but definitely likes to play.  He's sleeping through the night, and is doing pretty good with accidents in the house (there's been a few, but all in a two day stretch).  I love to watch my girls with him.  They love him so much, and he is comforting to them.  He loves them unconditionally.  It's what they have needed after all they have had to live through this year.

So in general, life is pretty good for us.  We're enjoying our summer.  Thank you for all the warm wishes and encouragment!