I have to admit, I have not been able to write for a while. Why? You may ask. For lots of different reasons....mostly because emotionally it has continued to be up and down. Some days I feel so many different emotions my head spins and I feel like I can't write.
I am almost done my treatments. I have finished my daily visits to the hospital for external radiation. Today is my first weekday at home in 6 weeks!!! I thought finishing would be more joyful then it has been. I think if I was guaranteed to be cancer-free at the end of all the treatments it would be different. However there are no guarantees in this crazy game of cancer. In fact, I learned last Thursday that my tumor has not shrunk as much as my doctors had hoped it would have by now. So this news really sucked the joy out of finishing. I do have a type of cancer that is hard to dissolve I've been told. So, I need to finish treatments and give my body a chance to fight it before any further treatments or decisions are made. I do expect to need surgery at the end of this based on the results I have received over the past week. My oncologists will wait 12 weeks after my last treatment (Jan.27) to test me and see where things are at. So no surgery until May at the earliest. It's really hard mentally to think about living 12 weeks with cancer in me, wondering what is happening. My medical team tells me to live life as normally as I can over the next 12 weeks. You would think this would make me happy; however, I have to admit I'm a little afraid of normal. I don't even remember what it feels like to be normal. I sometimes wonder will I remember when I get there? Will I get there? I have been so weak and sick for the past 5 weeks that I have been at the hospital or at home. So the thought of venturing out is overwhelming. I know I also need to work on getting this broken body back to feeling whole again....another huge feat. I need to start exercising and eating food other then crackers and toast. The good news is my nausea is getting better. Hopefully by next week, I will be off all anti-nausea meds and able to eat a variety of foods. I do have 1 more internal radiation treatment left next Monday. These treatments are brutal. So until it's officially over, I live with the anxiety of having 1 more. It's a really long procedure....up to 3 hours. Luckily, I'm put to sleep and given medication that causes amnesia. So I don't remember most of the treatment, but I'm really sick after. I'm tired, shaky, and achy all over. I feel like I have a bad flu. The good news is, I usually recover within 24 hours. Also I don't have a lot of side effects from this treatment. So as of Jan. 28, I'm on my way to recovery. My doctors did say that I can count this week as my first recovery week. I am feeling significantly better. In fact well enough that we're trying to live without our moms! Our parents have been life savers! For the past several weeks our moms have taken turns staying with us Monday to Friday. They have been our built in nannies, house cleaners, cooks etc. They have done everything! And now we're going to try it on our own! I'm a little afraid of living without them. But this is part of the process of moving on.
Darryl is still home from work. His recovery is going well. His scar has healed so well. His eye is learning to track and work with his good eye. He still has double vision which is frustrating. He really pushes himself to have both eyes open most of the day. His doctors have explained his healing process as training....he needs to undo how his eyes and brain worked together for the last 38 years and reprogram them to work together. So he needs to use his eyes together as much as possible. He does wear a patch over his surgery eye when he's driving or if he gets a headache. He's started seeing patients at home (we have a physio clinic in the basement). It's been great for him to get back into real life.
I have also been spiritually challenged over the past few weeks. I have completely given this journey to God. I believe with all of my heart that He has control over every cell in my body. But so far, I have not gotten good news. And yet, I feel like I have felt the presence of God more then ever before in my life. I feel like He is carrying me and changing me. He has given me strength to make it though treatments. He has taught me patience and compassion for others. He continues to give me peace - even on days when I get bad news, He's got me. He gets the last say. And this helps me carry on. I am learning to rely completely on Him.