I know I've been quiet for quite some time. Quiet means different things for me....sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm in a bad mental space, sometimes I just have nothing to say, sometimes I'm in pain, sometimes I don't want to admit what I'm thinking. Right now it's probably been a combination of some of these reasons, but the biggest one has been pain. I shared previously that I was experiencing pain due to radiation and that I was going for physio for it. It was starting to improve and then I started having stomach pain from the meds I was taking to control the lower back pain. So I started working at controlling my stomach pain. Just when I felt like things were maybe improving all around, I pulled a muscle in my back lifting a bag of groceries out of my shopping cart, more pain. This pain has affected my mobility and pretty much every move I make. It's so frustrating! I just want to feel good. To top it all off, all this pain has affected my sleep, so I'm tired a lot of the time and probably my pain threshold is lower when I'm tired. When days turn into weeks of continued pain, it's hard to not think that the cancer is taking over. It's hard to see an end to suffering, and it increases my fear of suffering more. Through it all I have to take many deep breaths everyday and remind myself that God is in control. He is allowing this for some reason, and He will carry me through it - this is soooo hard to understand. Today I spent the day preparing a speech to give on Thursday evening (pray that my back will allow me to speak). As I worked through "our story" I was reminded that life has been hard for almost 2 years now, we have been through lots of tough stuff and through it all God did carry us. Today is no different. He will carry me. I hope He will carry me to painlessness soon. I feel like I need a break, but if He doesn't He will carry me through the pain.
So there is a reason for my quietness. What I really want is to get on and share that things are great, that I'm feeling so good and that I'm feeling so encouraged, but not today. Maybe next time.
Tuesday 21 April 2015
Wednesday 1 April 2015
A Birthday and More Back Pain
Last week I celebrated my 39th birthday. Darryl took me away for a few days to celebrate, which I really appreciated. It's so great to reach another birthday when you live a life unsure of how much time you have, but it's hard to think about what the following year will hold. So it was nice to get away and focus on us and almost pretend that this life we are living isn't reality. Birthdays bring on a lot of reflection time for me, but this year I chose to not spend too much time reflecting. (Sometimes the reflecting is tiring). I hope with all of my heart that I will live to celebrate my 40th birthday. But many days I'm fearful of what I will have to live through to get to 40. When I reflect on a year ago, it's crazy to think about some of the phases I've had to live through.....particularly surgery and everything associated with it. I have endured more than I had hoped, and I wonder what this next year will hold. Will there be another hard phase? Will it be more difficult than anything I've ever experienced? Then I remind my mind to slow down and enjoy today. Today is where I work hard to stay focused on.
Unfortunately, after returning home from my birthday celebration, my lower back pain has returned in full force. It hurts to my core, and everything I do takes so much effort because every movement hurts. I'm back to physio 3 times a week. I think it's improving, but I also know that sometimes it has to hurt more before it gets better. Everyday I feel the reality of radiation and its effects on my body. I will never be me without radiation. I can never reverse the damage that is done. I can work with what I have, but it will always be hard work. My entire pelvis is intertwined with hard, scar tissue. As of recently, I need to take pain killers fairly frequently to manage all of this. And even when it hurts, I have to keep moving to prevent more hardening. For those of you who pray for me regularly, please pray for strength, energy and relief from pain. Body maintenance is a full time job!
This week is Spring Break for my girls. They have been incredibly gracious with me. Their expectations for our week have been low, and they have been happy to "just keep things simple". They have been happy to do things at home, so I don't have to move as much. I have enjoyed watching them make up running games with the dog in the backyard, watching movies and shopping one hour at a time (mostly at the Dollar Store preparing for an upcoming birthday party). And thankfully Oma and Opa came to the rescue and offered a fun day out while I went to physio. So even though this week will be very different than spring breaks in the past, it has still been fun. Thanks girls for being so understanding!!
And Easter is just a few days away. My favourite holiday of the year. We will mourn Christ's death on Good Friday and be thankful for His sacrifice. On Easter Sunday we will celebrate that He rose from the dead and gives HOPE to all of us. How will you celebrate? Happy Easter!
Unfortunately, after returning home from my birthday celebration, my lower back pain has returned in full force. It hurts to my core, and everything I do takes so much effort because every movement hurts. I'm back to physio 3 times a week. I think it's improving, but I also know that sometimes it has to hurt more before it gets better. Everyday I feel the reality of radiation and its effects on my body. I will never be me without radiation. I can never reverse the damage that is done. I can work with what I have, but it will always be hard work. My entire pelvis is intertwined with hard, scar tissue. As of recently, I need to take pain killers fairly frequently to manage all of this. And even when it hurts, I have to keep moving to prevent more hardening. For those of you who pray for me regularly, please pray for strength, energy and relief from pain. Body maintenance is a full time job!
This week is Spring Break for my girls. They have been incredibly gracious with me. Their expectations for our week have been low, and they have been happy to "just keep things simple". They have been happy to do things at home, so I don't have to move as much. I have enjoyed watching them make up running games with the dog in the backyard, watching movies and shopping one hour at a time (mostly at the Dollar Store preparing for an upcoming birthday party). And thankfully Oma and Opa came to the rescue and offered a fun day out while I went to physio. So even though this week will be very different than spring breaks in the past, it has still been fun. Thanks girls for being so understanding!!
And Easter is just a few days away. My favourite holiday of the year. We will mourn Christ's death on Good Friday and be thankful for His sacrifice. On Easter Sunday we will celebrate that He rose from the dead and gives HOPE to all of us. How will you celebrate? Happy Easter!
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