I know I've been quiet for quite some time. Quiet means different things for me....sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm in a bad mental space, sometimes I just have nothing to say, sometimes I'm in pain, sometimes I don't want to admit what I'm thinking. Right now it's probably been a combination of some of these reasons, but the biggest one has been pain. I shared previously that I was experiencing pain due to radiation and that I was going for physio for it. It was starting to improve and then I started having stomach pain from the meds I was taking to control the lower back pain. So I started working at controlling my stomach pain. Just when I felt like things were maybe improving all around, I pulled a muscle in my back lifting a bag of groceries out of my shopping cart, more pain. This pain has affected my mobility and pretty much every move I make. It's so frustrating! I just want to feel good. To top it all off, all this pain has affected my sleep, so I'm tired a lot of the time and probably my pain threshold is lower when I'm tired. When days turn into weeks of continued pain, it's hard to not think that the cancer is taking over. It's hard to see an end to suffering, and it increases my fear of suffering more. Through it all I have to take many deep breaths everyday and remind myself that God is in control. He is allowing this for some reason, and He will carry me through it - this is soooo hard to understand. Today I spent the day preparing a speech to give on Thursday evening (pray that my back will allow me to speak). As I worked through "our story" I was reminded that life has been hard for almost 2 years now, we have been through lots of tough stuff and through it all God did carry us. Today is no different. He will carry me. I hope He will carry me to painlessness soon. I feel like I need a break, but if He doesn't He will carry me through the pain.
So there is a reason for my quietness. What I really want is to get on and share that things are great, that I'm feeling so good and that I'm feeling so encouraged, but not today. Maybe next time.
Dear Melanie
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is time that I let you know something. I have ben following your posts from the start, even though you were a complete stranger to me then. I have been encouraged again and again and sometimes could hardly wait for the next one. I know what it is like losing a husband and raising an eight year old daughter without her dad, but I do not know what it is like to live in constant physical pain and can only imagine. I have been praying for you periodically and my heart goes out to you now!! Neta from Belize
Dear Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI, too, have been quiet. I have been trying to give you and Darryl space/ peace/ tranquility. I want the best for you. Hopefully you'll see more comments from me in the future!
As an author it can be very difficult to focus and be creative when you have a family. Even the smallest distractions are problematic. I found a unique solution to getting my focus and work done. I add a room fan that was fairly loud, and the white noise distracts me from the normal sounds that occur with a growing family.
ReplyDeleteRomeo Perales @ Primary Care
I think you nailed it about the different meanings of quiet. I think we all have our own reasons for the quiet, and I am sorry your main reason is because of your pain. No one should have to suffer through pain, and I hope you find some relief soon. Good luck with your upcoming speech.
ReplyDelete