I know I've been quiet for quite some time. Quiet means different things for me....sometimes I'm busy, sometimes I'm in a bad mental space, sometimes I just have nothing to say, sometimes I'm in pain, sometimes I don't want to admit what I'm thinking. Right now it's probably been a combination of some of these reasons, but the biggest one has been pain. I shared previously that I was experiencing pain due to radiation and that I was going for physio for it. It was starting to improve and then I started having stomach pain from the meds I was taking to control the lower back pain. So I started working at controlling my stomach pain. Just when I felt like things were maybe improving all around, I pulled a muscle in my back lifting a bag of groceries out of my shopping cart, more pain. This pain has affected my mobility and pretty much every move I make. It's so frustrating! I just want to feel good. To top it all off, all this pain has affected my sleep, so I'm tired a lot of the time and probably my pain threshold is lower when I'm tired. When days turn into weeks of continued pain, it's hard to not think that the cancer is taking over. It's hard to see an end to suffering, and it increases my fear of suffering more. Through it all I have to take many deep breaths everyday and remind myself that God is in control. He is allowing this for some reason, and He will carry me through it - this is soooo hard to understand. Today I spent the day preparing a speech to give on Thursday evening (pray that my back will allow me to speak). As I worked through "our story" I was reminded that life has been hard for almost 2 years now, we have been through lots of tough stuff and through it all God did carry us. Today is no different. He will carry me. I hope He will carry me to painlessness soon. I feel like I need a break, but if He doesn't He will carry me through the pain.
So there is a reason for my quietness. What I really want is to get on and share that things are great, that I'm feeling so good and that I'm feeling so encouraged, but not today. Maybe next time.