We just got home from a great few days in Minneapolis. We had perfect weather. Our biggest highlight was going to Valley Fair. This year we did all the biggest and wildest rides as a family. Our youngest daughter is officially tall enough to do all of them, and I was brave enough to do most of them. My new outlook: “After everything I’ve done this year a wild ride or two is nothing!” We spent hours on The Extreme Swing, The Wild Thing, Steel Venom, and The Cork Screw. So many thoughts went through my head as I was there. First, “Thank you God that I am well enough to enjoy this day with my family”. Second, “Cancer is a lot like a crazy roller coaster.” Obviously there are lots of ups and downs. But there are other similarities: sometimes it feels like a slow up hill battle, then suddenly it feels like you’re falling and completely out of control. Most of the time I can’t wait for the ride to be over, but when I’m done I’m glad I did it. I hope my cancer ride comes to an end soon, but I’m still struggling with being glad I went through it……I know some good has come out of it, but a lot of bad has as well. I'm not sure if I can come to a place where I am thankful that I got to go through it, especially if I'm never declared cured. What good has come out? This has been a question that I have been contemplating a lot lately. Probably the biggest one is that cancer has forced me to slow down and live one day at a time. I move slower; I do everything slower. This is partially because I can’t move as fast (my pelvis feels like it’s 100 years old after all the radiation I’ve had), but also I am learning to stop rushing. What’s the point? I’m learning to be content with getting done what I can and leaving the rest until later. I’m also learning that I need to give myself more time to do things. Furthermore, I’m learning to have way more patience. And I’m probably making Darryl more impatient because I take so long to do everything. Being slower has allowed me to be a lot more reflective. I think about why? as I move through each day questioning the reason/purpose behind everything I do. Which leads to another contemplation that I’ve had lately, “why me?” “why like this?”. There is a part of me that knows it’s not really my right to ask why, but I still wonder why? I know lots of you who read my blog don’t know God or believe/trust in Him like I do. I also know lots of you have questioned how can I continue to trust God when He has not answered me the way I want Him to. Well I have also wondered this lately. I believe God loves me (and each of you) more then I can even understand. I believe He’s completely in control of everything that goes on around all of us. I believe He holds my future in His hands. I believe He is all powerful, all knowing, that He created the whole earth and will escort me to heaven one day. I believe God sent His son to earth to die for all of our sins. I believe He died for my sins and has forgiven me for them. I believe He died for everyone's sins, and He wants everyone to accept His grace and forgiveness (this is your ticket to heaven). I believe that He allowed me to have cancer, so I would start this blog. I believe He let me have cancer so I could develop more compassion for those who are suffering. I believe He has put lots of people in my cancer path so they could see Him through me. I believe that I will always have faith in Him to give me strength to do what He wants me to do. But I still wonder why it has to be like this? I wonder if He will ever let me know that I’m cured? There is a part of me that can’t completely trust Him with my future because He has let me down (according to me). He lets bad things happen to good people. I think this is one of the biggest issues that christians and non christians have with understanding God. Why does He let bad things happen to us? Why does He sit and watch my girls watch their mom suffer? Why does He not choose to cure me if He can? I have no answers to these. People try to explain it to me….but my heart does not completely understand. I know that there are people who refuse to completely trust God with their life because of this one aspect that they can’t understand. If there is anyone reading this who is in that situation, know that as christians we struggle with the same questions. But at the same time, I do know that part of living for Him is not understanding, but still trusting. The reality is that even though He has let this all happen to me; He has never abandoned me. In fact, He has revealed himself to me time and time again and carried me through some very dark thoughts and situations. So maybe He allows bad things to happen, so we can see Him and experience Him in bigger and more real ways. He lets bad things happen, but He helps us through them. The Bible tells us to REST and take REFUGE in God over and over again. I’m learning that this means: “Don’t analyze life. Rest and trust me, I see the big picture that you don’t understand.” So I carry on not knowing what my future holds, and knowing that it may have more bad news, but that He is in control. I will trust Him. I will believe in Him and continue to give my life to be used by Him. I will believe that cancer is a part of becoming who He wants me to be. Cancer is my road to serving Him in ways I would never have expected. A wise friend recently contemplated with me, “Maybe you need to learn to be ok living with cancer instead of trying to get rid of it.” This is a really hard concept for me, but I'm working on it. All of this is hard to think about, but we all need to consider what we believe and in what we put our trust. I guess really all of us our on the crazy ride called life. I hope each of you are enjoying your ride for today . I am! I am feeling so good, and enjoying each day to the fullest because I know I am being taken care of.
"God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. Psalm 18:30