Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Living in a Daze
The last few weeks have been surreal to me on so many levels. I've been put on some very heavy medications to control the pain in my back and legs. As a result, I feel like I walk around in a daze all the time. Somedays it's unclear what I'm dreaming and what is real. This is a frustrating place to be. I want to invest in the people around me, but it's hard to engage when I feel so out of it. My home has been transformed into a health care facility, which has all happened so quickly it feels like I'm on the outside watching someone else's life being transformed. I sleep in a hospital bed now, which is much more comfortable for my back. But it's hard for Darryl and I to accept the fact that we need to sleep in our own beds. We've pushed my bed right next to his, so it feels like one huge king bed, but deep down I miss my bed and sleeping next to my man. Today a wheelchair was delivered to the house, so I can consider taking the odd outing if I have the energy for it. I use a walker to get around the house and am managing quite well. I've managed to keep up a fairly good appetite thanks to the meal train! I sleep a lot and often have trouble staying a wake when I'm watching TV or reading. I feel like I'm in a constant battle to stay present and keep my head in what's going on around me. I have a new medical team looking after me. My doctors and nurses come to the house to look after me, which is so helpful. I have appreciated them so much already. They are currently helping me figure out how to continue to manage my pain but possibly clear my head a bit. I'm in the process of switching from one pain medication to another, so I'm double drugged right now. I am extremely thankful for pain control which makes everything more doable. I catch myself watching Darryl and the girls and analyzing them......are they ready to live without me? Of course the answer is "no", but it's also hard for them to have to watch me suffer. It's a constant battle between wishing we weren't living this life and wanting to make the best of it. We struggle with how to pray.....of course we want a miracle - to be completely healed and healthy. But if God continues to say "no" to complete healing then what do we ask for? Strength to get through this life? Stamina to work through this hard valley? I dream about heaven....a perfect life, a perfect body, in Jesus' presence. Heaven will be great, but I will wait for when my time is right. For now we will press forward relying on Him with every step we take.