Wednesday, 28 January 2015

No More Trust

One struggle that I live with everyday is not being able to trust my body.  Whenever I have a pain like a headache, a stomach ache, a back ache, etc.  I don't just take and Advil and sleep it off.  I worry through it.....I question if cancer has relocated, or if a new "attack" is upon me.  I love feeling good so much; so much that I'm afraid of losing it.  What I have come to fear the most in my life is suffering from poor health.  So life is never completely relaxing...there is a constant wondering, especially when I experience pain.  The interesting thing about my mind is that I trust more in God than I do my own body.  I know He is in control, that He holds my future and I trust this.  My body is constantly a mystery to me....I can't completely trust it.  Unfortunately sometimes my trust in God also has trouble keeping my mind out of deep dark places.  Oh how I want to have 100% trust.  I know He will bring peace.  I know He will bring joy.  I know He will love me through every circumstance.  But I want every circumstance to be easy.   This week I have struggled with unexplainable lower back pain, and concern and worry has gotten the best of me often.  So I decided to write about it.  Often writing helps me sort through all the thoughts I have floating through my brain.  Many days I truly can rest in the trust I have in God.  I can somewhat relax.  I can tell myself, "He controls the cancer, it's His will that is best."  And that's all I need to move forward optimistically and living life to the fullest.  Other days I have this inner wrestling between trusting and worrying.  I have learned that these two cannot reside together; there is not room in one's mind for both.  And even when I think I've chosen to trust, worry stays and rearranges my thoughts.  In other words, some days it's hard to completely trust.  These are the days I call on friends to pray me back to my place of trust and peace.  And most often it works.  The one assurance I do have is that through this mumble jumble, I still hold tightly to hope.  I know trust will come.  I know joy will return.  I know my future is secure.  I also know some sunshine would help!  The one place that I go often during these times of testing my faith is my Bible.  Proverbs 3:5 & 6 need to be read and reread sometimes 100 times a day:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  When I read this, I have the head knowledge of what trust looks like and even feels like.  The key is to read it enough so that my heart understands it as well.  You may be struggling with your own trust issues, your own struggles, your own worries.  The challenge for all of us is to give them to God, to trust Him with them and to not take them back.  Not taking them back to worry over is the hardest part.  It's what so many of us continually work on.  I think writing about it has helped me; I hope it's helped you as well.

Thankfully, I am able to fill my life with good distractions, even when it's been a hard week.  Today I went to co-teach with a very dear friend, who I team taught with for many years.  I spent the morning teaching writing (which was my favourite thing to teach).....I felt like Regie (my teacher friends will get a chuckle out of this).  It was great to be back doing what I loved.  I felt so "at home" to be back in the classroom with my friend....we know how each other think/speak/act when we're in the classroom setting.  It was so much fun.  I also have several speaking engagements planned over the next few months, so preparing for them is another great distraction.  I had an amazing yogalaties class yesterday that helped my sore muscles feel better.  I have Jett who still needs daily walks and numerous friends who meet me to encourage me and hopefully be encouraged as well.  So life is good and listing all the goodness I have helps.  I hope you have blessings that you can count in your life as well......we all do.  We just rarely take the time to list them.  So my challenge for all of you today is to try completely trusting and list your joys, so you can celebrate your life.


  1. Melanie:
    Giving our troubles over to God is a difficult task. You are setting the greatest of examples to those of us who know you and read your blog. Your courage and fortitude is unmeasurable, Melanie. May God grant you healing of body and peace of mind to enjoy the things you love best. God Bless you and your family. You are all in my prayers today and always...Margaret

  2. Melanie, I read through your entire blog yesterday evening. I thought I'd just read a bit then finish another day...I could not stop reading. I read for hours. Your trust in God, courage, and vulnerability are tremendous. Your story will change lives. I will pray for you...that you will always trust & have peace. You inspire me. Lori (& Len) Wiebe - ps we played ball together years ago!