I'm sorry for being silent....Silent on my blog, silent in returning e-mails and texts. Several of my readers have "checked in" in the past few days to see how I'm doing. Silence speaks volumes sometimes, doesn't it? In all honesty, it's been a long 3 weeks. My back continues to keep me up at night, as I have trouble finding a comfortable position. During the day, my back is feeling quite a bit better, but I'm tired all the time. As a result, I have been struggling emotionally as well. I actually read my own blog yesterday to remind myself of what I believe: "the future is fiction", "everyday is a gift", "live in the present and live life to the fullest while you can." I have never written words I did't feel; I have been completely honest. But over the past few weeks, I've had a harder time living what I believe. I've been worried; thinking about death and my families' life without me. I've felt sad and tired of this life. I've felt sorry for myself.....been in a place I wish I was not. My family has reassured me it's ok to be here. But I have to say that living joyfully is a lot more enjoyable. But sometimes we are emotionally in places where it's hard (or almost impossible) to choose joy. Pain brought me to this point, and I've been so hard on myself for being here. I have prayed and prayed and prayed in this state. Thankfully, God is slowly leading me out of this "slump". I have made many lists in my journal during this dark time: How do I know I am loved, What do I know about God, My blessings, Reasons to live life to the fullest. About a week and a half ago, I started talking about how I was feeling with different people, people I can trust with my heart. Talking is therapy for me. I also went for counselling to talk through all my thoughts. My counsellor is so good at telling me in summary what he hears me saying, which helps me make sense of my own jumbled thoughts. What I've concluded is: God is in control and I am not. He knows what is happening in my body, He knows what my future holds, and I don't. So I need to rest knowing He knows. I've also concluded that it's okay to think about death because it's inevitable, but not for too long. I need to spend more time focusing on living for my girls' sake, my husband's sake and for my own sake. I've also concluded that worrying accomplishes nothing, and I still have the ability to accomplish stuff in my life. I can make a difference everyday, if I'm focused on others and not feeling sorry for myself. I've concluded that sadness is a part of life; it's okay to visit it every once and a while. It's not my fault, but rather a part of life. Understanding sadness helps me appreciate joy. So for those of you who are checking in - thank you. It's nice to know people are waiting to read my words and concerned when I don't write. I'm doing better than I was a few weeks ago, and my pain seems to be settling. All the demands in my life have forced me to keep going during this time: lunches still need to be packed, laundry still needs to be done, the dog needs to be walked and this crazy body needs to be stretched. I've also continued to see people because even though my mind tells me stay in bed...I need people. I need people to help me lift my spirits. Yesterday I went for coffee with a friend who reminded me that struggles make me stronger and I cannot do it alone....I need God to give me strength. Thanks for the reminder!