I'm sorry for being silent....Silent on my blog, silent in returning e-mails and texts. Several of my readers have "checked in" in the past few days to see how I'm doing. Silence speaks volumes sometimes, doesn't it? In all honesty, it's been a long 3 weeks. My back continues to keep me up at night, as I have trouble finding a comfortable position. During the day, my back is feeling quite a bit better, but I'm tired all the time. As a result, I have been struggling emotionally as well. I actually read my own blog yesterday to remind myself of what I believe: "the future is fiction", "everyday is a gift", "live in the present and live life to the fullest while you can." I have never written words I did't feel; I have been completely honest. But over the past few weeks, I've had a harder time living what I believe. I've been worried; thinking about death and my families' life without me. I've felt sad and tired of this life. I've felt sorry for myself.....been in a place I wish I was not. My family has reassured me it's ok to be here. But I have to say that living joyfully is a lot more enjoyable. But sometimes we are emotionally in places where it's hard (or almost impossible) to choose joy. Pain brought me to this point, and I've been so hard on myself for being here. I have prayed and prayed and prayed in this state. Thankfully, God is slowly leading me out of this "slump". I have made many lists in my journal during this dark time: How do I know I am loved, What do I know about God, My blessings, Reasons to live life to the fullest. About a week and a half ago, I started talking about how I was feeling with different people, people I can trust with my heart. Talking is therapy for me. I also went for counselling to talk through all my thoughts. My counsellor is so good at telling me in summary what he hears me saying, which helps me make sense of my own jumbled thoughts. What I've concluded is: God is in control and I am not. He knows what is happening in my body, He knows what my future holds, and I don't. So I need to rest knowing He knows. I've also concluded that it's okay to think about death because it's inevitable, but not for too long. I need to spend more time focusing on living for my girls' sake, my husband's sake and for my own sake. I've also concluded that worrying accomplishes nothing, and I still have the ability to accomplish stuff in my life. I can make a difference everyday, if I'm focused on others and not feeling sorry for myself. I've concluded that sadness is a part of life; it's okay to visit it every once and a while. It's not my fault, but rather a part of life. Understanding sadness helps me appreciate joy. So for those of you who are checking in - thank you. It's nice to know people are waiting to read my words and concerned when I don't write. I'm doing better than I was a few weeks ago, and my pain seems to be settling. All the demands in my life have forced me to keep going during this time: lunches still need to be packed, laundry still needs to be done, the dog needs to be walked and this crazy body needs to be stretched. I've also continued to see people because even though my mind tells me stay in bed...I need people. I need people to help me lift my spirits. Yesterday I went for coffee with a friend who reminded me that struggles make me stronger and I cannot do it alone....I need God to give me strength. Thanks for the reminder!
Continuing to pray for you Melanie! Please All Loving and Powerful Father, fill Melanie with your Strength she needs each day and fill her with your Love so Full, that she literally feels your Loving arms around her! Father, fill her Family with your Strength and Love also that they too feel you holding them up in your Powerful arms, carrying them so they can just focus on themselves as a Family and not being weighed down with this sickness. Thank-you Father, for Answered Prayer!!
ReplyDeleteMelanie you are a very strong person. You need to think positive at this time in your life. Sickness isn't fair for anyone. I will never understand
ReplyDeletewhy we have to deal with so much sickness around us. In the last 2 years there has been so many people, and families I know dealing with sickness and death. Why does this happen? I wish the best for you and your whole family. Keep being strong.
Loving God, please wrap your arms around Melanie, her immediate family, her extended family, her friends and those who know her only by name. Bless them and keep them safe in your loving care. Let Melanie know it is okay to be frustrated, angry and low in spirit at times. Give her the strength to do the things she enjoys and be not afraid to accept help when it is offered. You are the light of the world dear God. I know you will light the way as this loving family travels the path through unknown waters. You will be there every step of the way. They may not always be able to see your light because of uncontrollable tears but with time the hues of the golden sun will engulf them and they will live, laugh and love again.
ReplyDeleteMel you need not apologize....... You are many things including a wonderful mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and valued friend. Most of all though you are human! Being human gives you the right to have down days, dark thoughts, doubt and pity parties. I truly admire your faith in God and and am always inspired by your ability to give your stress and sickness to God to look after. I honestly don't believe I could handle your situation with as much gusto and class that you do. Don't be so hard on yourself, don't beat yourself up if by times you just can't appreciate your life to the degree you think you should. . You are human and it is totally normal.... Pretty sure God would agree with me here! Love and hugs
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