The last 24 hours have been difficult and filled with the unknown again. I went to meet my radiation doctor on Thursday expecting to be educated on radiation/chemo and to set up my schedule. Instead, he told me he felt surgery was a better option for me and my kind of cancer. He had wanted to discuss this with my oncologist prior to my appointment; however, she was called out of the clinic for surgery all day. So I'm not sure what to think.......my oncologist surgeon feels radiation is better and my radiation doctor feels surgery is better! So I left the clinic feeling like no one wants to treat me! It is times like these when it's so hard to not be discouraged and to get consumed in self pity. I rely on the encouragement of others and prayer to get my mind and spirit back to a better place. We receive many encouraging e-mails daily. All of them are encouraging and give us hope. This past week there have been two that I go back to often (they are both from strong women that have been through their own crisis'). I hope they don't mind that I'm going to use their words to share what's on my heart today:
"God's gift to us in the dark times is the clarity to see what's really important in life and to savour every moment of happiness and laughter. You will take this gift with you for the rest of your life because you really KNOW what this means"
"You've got to let this all unfold and trust that God has your situation firmly in his hands. Faith isn't worth anything if there's no need for blind trust. One of the lessons I've learned over these past years is to live with and even relish uncertainty. It's not easy at first but you'll get the hang of it and will find it useful throughout your life......stay in the moment rather then focussing on what's to come"
So for this weekend, I'm focusing on my family and trying my best to make happy memories with them. I'm celebrating that I feel pretty good right now, and I can have fun!
The doctors involved in my case are meeting early next week to make a decision how to move forward.....surgery or radiation? They will let me know once they discuss it and decide what is best for me. I am thankful that they are thinking all options through carefully. And for today I'm focussing on my faith, family and fun!